Leopard Print Thongs, Peter-Puddles and the Legendary Bantersaurus Rex
by lumoscrimsom
Summary: Gryffindor have won the Quidditch Cup and it's time to celebrate! Partying and drinking ensues and the inventible game of - dun dun duuuunnn - Truth or Dare is introduced. How far will our Marauders and Lily go before they give up and forfeit? And trust me, no one wants to forfeit...Snape's hair is waaayyy too greasy for that... CURRENTLY ON HIATUS FOR THIS STORY! STAY TUNED!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **The song that Sirius etc. are singing throughout this ficlet is a song by a Harry Potter rock band I happened across on YouTube called _Ministry of Magic_ and the song is 'Gryffindor Rally Cry'. It's a really awesome song, so go check it out! I have, however, changed a couple of words like Harry to Gryffindor, but that still doesn't make it mine. Oh and yeah, nothing to do with the pups or Hogwarts or anything else is mine either :)

**A/N: **Boy, I am _really_ on a roll here! Go me for getting out a 8000+ part of a ficlet at the same time as two chapters for my new looooonnng fic, Remus Lupin's Guide to Seduction! In fact, I wouldn't mind a nice pat on the back from you beautiful people :D Bon appetit! Actually, no…no, don't _eat_ this. It'd be hell to digest. No, just enjoy _reading_ this.

Part One: Puddles Don't have Eyes, Right?

"Aw come on, Moooonnnyyyyyy."

"How can you be so sure of victory? The Slytherins have a pretty good team, Sirius."

"Moony!" James cried from across the dormitory in shock. Remus rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Okay, okay. Fine. If Gryffindor wins the Quidditch Cup, I will join in with the party afterwards. If we lose, though, I'm spending my Saturday night reading." Remus sulked, putting his book down on his nightstand with a dreading finality. He could feel it, just as well as the rest of the House could feel it – Gryffindor had this in the bag. And about time, too, since this was their last year at Hogwarts and everyone – including Professor McGonagall – was afraid that Captain James Potter would throw himself off the astronomy tower if he didn't _finally_ win the Cup.

"Right!" Sirius grinned, jumping off Remus' and pulling aforementioned Remus from his own bed, too. He clapped his hands together, smoothing down his Quidditch robes and sending a James a confident nod. Remus chewed his lip, suddenly feeling nervous for them both – Sirius in particular. A heartbroken Sirius was a painful one for Remus.

"Down we go." James said nervously as Remus and Peter went ahead of the chaser and beater to go down to the common room to greet the team – a tradition they had honoured every year since they had first arrived at Hogwarts. The whole of Gryffindor was waiting down in the common room, looking up at the dormitory stairs with mixed apprehension and excitement. Finally, when the team did arrive, a deafening roar went up in the room. James stepped forwards as the captain and lifted his arms to call for silence.

"This year," he said simply, addressing his audience like a king addressing his subjects before riding into war. Which, according to most of the Gryffindor population, they were. "We win!"

James bowed dramatically, Sirius and the rest of the team following suit and the Gryffindors dissolved into cheers and whoops before starting the old Gryffindor Rally Cry, linking arms and swaying together to the nostalgic tune. Even Remus found himself joining in, caught up in the almost tearful moment.

_"Today's the big game, the one we've been waiting for,_

_"We're ready, we'll represent the House Flag of Gryffindor,_

_"We've gotta win, the Slytherins have got nothing on us,_

_"We'll defeat them and not even break a sweat_."

"Onwards, to victory!" James cried, throwing his arms out and leading the team down from the balcony and out through the portrait hole with the house in tow, the Fat Lady calling out 'good luck' after them. The proud Gryffindors marched through the school to their captain's beat, their voices rising above the jeers of Slytherins going down to the pitch and continuing with their song.

_"Now hear me, today we meet our destiny,_

_"All together, let's do this for Gryffindor!_

_"So who are we fighting for? Gryffindor!_

_"Give it all for the red and gold!_

_"And who're we flying for? Gryffindor!_

_"This is battle! This is war!_"

The stands were packed, every student and every teacher having turned up for the final between the rival houses, a choir of voices rising from the Gryffindor stands and encouraging cheers coming from the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff stands, too, when the Gryffindor team rose up on their brooms, hoping to see Slytherin lose the Cup for once.

_"So who are we fighting for? Gryffindor!_

_"We're a force you can't ignore!_

_"And who're we flying for? Gryffindor!_

_"This is battle! This is war!"_

The quaffle was tossed into the air and so the action begun. The commentator had a hard time doing his job, what with the pace of the violent game and the screaming of the Gryffindor supporters – and McGonagall shouting down his ear, too, shouting at the ref to open his eyes and see the obvious fouls the Slytherins were pulling.

_"Onto the pitch now, onward and upward,_

_"We're weightless, the sky is our home and they're our invaders,_

_"Todays is ours, Potter will score and Black will beat,_

_"They're no match for our scarlet fury!"_

"Spinnet has caught the snitch! It's three hundred and seventy points to Slytherin's measly one hundred and ninety – _Gryffindor wins the Quidditch Cup!_"

"GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR!"

The noise in the stands covered in the house colours of red and gold rose to a tumultuous level as Gryffindor's seeker did a lap of honour around the pitch, narrowly avoiding falling a hundred feet or so when James leapt onto the back of her broom in mid-air to hug her and repeatedly kiss the back of her head to joyous laughs from the crowd. Remus and Peter jumped up and down and Remus even found himself pumping his fist in the air and shouting until he was hoarse.

_"GO, GO, GRYFFINDOR!_

_"THIS IS BATTLE! THIS IS WAR!_

_"SO WHO ARE WE FIGHTING FOR?_

_"AND WHO ARE WE FLYING FOR?_

_"GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR!"_

The team landed, the Slytherins stalking off and throwing their brooms at each other in anger. McGonagall appeared on the pitch, wiping a tear from her eye as she handed the large, gleaming Quidditch Cup to James, who had jumped on Sirius' shoulders in his excitement. Remus felt himself well up slightly, as half of the rest of his house was, too, as James lifted the cup and openly wept as his best mate jumped up and down even with his whole weight on his shoulders.

"Like a _girl_, Potter!"

James turned to throw a cushion from the sofa at one of the other team members, pouting as Lily laughed and ruffled his hair fondly. Sirius snorted, plucking another bottle of Firewhiskey from the crate a certain group of boys had acquired for the occasion – a party to celebrate Gryffindor's victory and a party that had died down around ten minutes ago with most other students heading up to bed, save the team, James, Sirius, Remus, Lily and Peter – and patted James on the knee.

"He's right, Jamie. You cried like a girl out there. No one will _ever_ forget that."

James slapped Sirius upside the head, pushing him away from where he had been leant back against Lily's knees as the team all stood and excused themselves to bed. Sirius groaned dramatically, sloshing his drink across himself and collapsing across Remus' lap, who was sitting beside the fire. He yelped at the sudden weight of the other boy's weight and toppled backwards, but Sirius grabbed his shirt and yanked him back upright before he could disappear into the fire.

"Merlin's melons, Pads," Remus gasped, hand over his heart, "If you want to kill me, I'd prefer an Avada. Less pain and no burn marks."

"Why would you care if you have burn marks?" Sirius snorted, "You'd be dead."

"I'd want an open casket. Depriving my beauty from the world for any longer than necessary would be a sin." Remus deadpanned. Sirius simply lifted an eyebrow and dissolved into alcohol-induced giggles. "Oh whatever, go ahead. Shove my face in the fire."

"Ah, my dear Moony," Sirius said sadly, reaching over to pinch Remus' cheek, "If you had no face, how would I get my jollies?"

"Your jollies?" Lily asked in a tone that suggested she regretted the question as soon as it had left her mouth.

"Oh yes," Sirius smirked drunkenly, lying back across Remus' legs and grinning up at him, "That mouth of his is very talented."

"I thought I'd told you not to advertise our secret shagging sessions, Padfoot." Remus sighed, shaking his head in mock disappointment. James pretended to wretch and Peter handed him another firewhiskey to console him. Lily snickered, finishing her own bottle.

"I'm sorry, Moonpie, don't leave me for spilling our secret." Sirius begged.

"No, Sirius. First it was the gardener, now this. I'm filing for a divorce."

"Fine!" Sirius cried, "But only if I get the kids!"

"No chance." Remus smirked, "You'd only feed them dog food."

"You two would make a cute couple."

At Lily's words, Remus nearly fell in the fire again and Sirius ended up head-butting his crotch. Remus groaned, doubling up and rolling onto his side and pressing his hands to his throbbing area as Sirius fussed over him, repeating, "Oh, Merlin's mucus, I'm so sorry, Moony! Moony, can you hear me? _Don't go into the light!_"

"Drink up, mate." James said sympathetically with a pained wince as he watched Remus sit up slowly and uncurl to take the Firewhiskey. Remus glowered between Sirius and Lily as he drained three quarters of his bottle, ignoring the burning sensation in his throat and belly. It didn't take long for the alcohol to kick in and the pain to ebb along with the increase of his intoxication.

"None of this would have happened if I was upstairs reading _Sherlock Holmes_." The werewolf grumbled. Sirius rolled his eyes, but Lily smirked evilly, leaning forward.

"I'm sure you'd feel differently if Black kissed it better." She said in a sing song voice with the slightest of slurs. Remus' head fell far too close to the open flames of the fireplace for the _third_ time that night and the others, bar Sirius – who was blushing profusely, luckily unnoticed by the others – bellowed with laughter as he righted himself again and downed the rest of his bottle.

"I'm so proud of you, Lily flower," James chuckled, giving his girlfriend a swift kiss on the cheek, "Speaking just like a Marauder and all. Ah, think of the trouble we could cause with an innocent female accomplice."

"A _girl_ can't be a Marauder!" Sirius gasped, affronted as Lily snorted, "That's against the rules!"

"All the teachers love her," Peter put in helpfully, pausing in his search for any abandoned food left over from the party, "No one would suspect."

"No, Peter." Sirius said simply and Peter shrugged. There was a lull in the conversation, during which Remus massaged the back of his head and squirmed uncomfortably under the amused gaze of Lily, Sirius hummed the Gryffindor Rally Cry under his breath and James swayed to the tune with a happy grin plastered across his face.

"Anyone tired?" Lily asked eventually.

"Nope." The Marauders answered promptly, buzzed up on Firewhiskey and victory.

"Me neither." the Headgirl sighed, "And I blame you."

"Who?" James asked with a pout. Lily smiled and kissed him briefly.

"All of you."

"We should play truth or dare."

Remus and Lily turned to glare at Peter, who cowered slightly, while Sirius and James lit up.

"No. No, no, no, no, no." Remus refused, shaking his head back and forth until he was dizzy. Lily sighed, knowing it was a lost cause, and slid to the floor alongside James and Peter to make a circle. Sirius turned and licked Remus from his jaw to his hairline, making him shriek in surprise and (yep, you guessed it), nearly set himself on fire for the fourth time.

"Play." Sirius pouted, folding his arms. Remus gave in and laughed.

"Fine. You're just like a dog, Padfoot."

"Funny, that." Peter mumbled.

"Okay, okay, okay," James said excitedly, reaching for an empty bottle and lying it on its side in the middle of the circle, "I'll spin first…Wormy! Truth or dare?"

"Oh no." Peter sighed, "Truth."

"Ever licked an animal?"

The group laughed as Peter pursed his lips.

"Is that going to come up every time?" he asked tiredly, "I was drunk and Prongs' fur looked like chocolate."

"So you don't have a thing for Prongs, then?" Sirius asked from Remus' lap with an exaggerated wink. Peter flushed and shook his head quickly, making Sirius snicker and James grimace. Peter reached out and spun the bottle, eager to have the attention off him. It landed on Remus and an evil chuckle came from James. Remus sent him a dirty look.

"Truth."

"Aw, Mooooonnyyyy." Sirius whined, "Boring!"

"Shut up, Pads. Truth."

"What's your sexual fantasy?" James asked loudly, folding his arms resolutely in a gesture that told Remus he wasn't going to be able get out of this one. Remus bit his lip and thought about something to say that wasn't embarrassing – or something that wouldn't give away the secret fact that a certain raven haired animagus with his head currently in his lap _was_ his fantasy...

"You sure you want to know, Prongs?" Remus asked with a small smile to give himself some more time when even Lily was looking impatient, "You want to hear about a gay fantasy?"

James pulled a face, apparently having forgotten that his friend was, in fact, as gay as the day was long, "Okay, no details. But you're not getting out of it, Moony! You know the forfeit."

"Eugh." Remus grimaced, "Fine. I've always wanted to…to…"

"We're all friends here, Rem." Lily assured him kindly. Well, it might have been kindly if she didn't have that gleam in her eyes; James really was a bad influence on the girl.

"Ivealwayswantedtodoitoutdoors."

The others stared at him after his nervous babble, made ever more incoherent by the alcohol he'd had poured down his throat. Sirius sat up – thank Merlin, things were about to get _real_ awkward if his head had stayed there for much longer – and asked him with a suppressed snort to repeat his answer. Remus sat and flatly refused.

"I said it once, I am _not_ saying that out loud again." He said stubbornly.

"Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony."

"Sirius, shut up before I shove _you _in the bloody fire."

"_Mooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy—_"

"I WANT TO GET SHAGGED OUTSIDE."

There was a moment of silence before they all burst out laughing and Remus flushed. James managed to lift a hand at point at something behind Remus, who turned with a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach to see a girl – Mary of the year below come to get a glass of pumpkin juice to take back upstairs – smothering her giggles with her hand. Remus mouthed silently, meaning to apologise, but she backed away to the stairs and shook her head.

"I'm up for it if you are, Lupin!"

The words seemed to linger even after she had disappeared, making James, Peter and Lily laugh even harder. Remus cleared his throat, humiliated, as Sirius chuckled and slung an arm over his shoulders.

"Don't think she understood the '_get shagged'_ part of that phrase," he laughed, "No one said _I want to shag a girl outside_."

"Yes, yes, hilarious. Moving on…" Remus grumbled, feeling his face glowing. He reached out to spin the bottle. It landed on James and Peter piped up cheerfully.

"James and Lily swap clothes!"

Sirius groaned and slapped a hand on his face, even as the couple stood up with a shrug and started to strip off. The animagus did, however, look up appreciatively when he saw that Lily was undressing without a qualm and gave a teasing wolf whistle.

"Turn around! Peter, you too!" James snapped. Sirius scowled, but turned and buried his face in Remus' neck anyway, Peter turning away too.

"How come Remus doesn't have to look away?" Sirius muttered.

"Remus likes cock." Lily said simply, making James snicker at his girlfriend's immaturity as they finished the switch. Sirius and Peter looked back and fell about laughing at seeing James in Lily's skirt. Sirius, however, stopped laughing when James sat back down in the least feminine way possible and then _he_ was the one in the fire.

"PRONGS! _Where is your underwear?_"

James shrugged innocently, "Couldn't find any to change into after the match."

"Lovely, Prongs." Sirius said, wrinkling his nose.

"Mmm, lovely." Remus agreed, waggling his eyebrows at James, who paled as Lily choked with laughter. Sirius snorted, finally straightening up from his position in the fireplace, where his hair had been in serious danger of catching fire.

"Pfft. You ain't seen nothing yet, Lupin."

"Is that a promise, Black?" Remus asked drily, turning to see Sirius' come hither expression before changing his mind, "No, it's too soon after the divorce, Padfoot."

"We don't have to tell the children." Sirius pouted, batting his lashes. Remus rolled his eyes with a small smile and told James to spin the bottle.

"Sirius!" James span when the bottle stopped.

"Dare." Sirius answered with a lazy grin.

"Strip!" Lily cried, throwing her arms up. James glowered at her, but cackled evilly along with her when she added, "And you have to stay naked for a whole week. Lessons and all."

"_What_?" Sirius shrieked, "How am I supposed to get away with that?"

"A specific repelling charm." Lily shrugged, twirling her wand between her fingers whilst she sent a wink in Remus' direction, who worked his tense jaw and looked away.

"I…"

"Forfeit, mate." James reminded him.

"Okay! Okay! No Snivellus grease, please! Fine, go ahead, Evans."

A simple, wordless charm was cast (so Sirius couldn't guess the counter-charm), and everything Sirius was wearing flew off in a sudden, violent clothes-explosion, splattering fabric around the room. Sirius sat, hands carefully placed in his lap as he glared over at Lily while James brayed loudly. Remus had to force himself to tear his gaze away from the toned muscles and sharp angles that just asked for him to reach out and…well, you get the idea.

"Thanks for shredding my shirt, Evans." Sirius huffed, looking down to check everything was covered by his hands, "You didn't have to destroy my clothes just because you wanted to see what I've got to offer."

"Padfoot." James growled, ruining the effect by hiccupping. Sirius stuck his tongue out and reached forward to spin the bottle, landing it on Peter, who squirmed, obviously hoping that he wasn't about to end up naked. Of course, no one wanted to see that, so Sirius piped up with a smirk.

"Lick James' ear."

Peter pulled a face and shook his head, but James jumped at him, forced his mouth open and then shoving his ear in. Peter yelped and James shouted, falling backwards.

"Don't _bite_! What the hell, Pete?"

"Then don't shove you ear in my mouth!" Peter squeaked, wiping his tongue on his hand and spinning the bottle with his other hand. It landed on Remus and Peter gave James an evil grin.

"Remus, take off Lily's bra with just your teeth."

"_WHAT_?"

"Relax, he's gay, remember?" Sirius laughed, even as Lily was pulling off James' shirt and turning her back for Remus, who laughed and shook his head but crawled over anyway. James fell silent, his mouth agape, as Remus promptly fastened his teeth around her black, lacy bra fastening and pulled, undoing it with one yank.

"I feel like that's not the first time you've done that." Sirius said, a strange look on his face. Remus sat back and shrugged sheepishly as James glared across at him jealously, doing his girlfriend's bra back up.

"Okay…" Remus said as the bottle landed on Lily, "Erm…"

"Well, since we're the dirty dares now," Sirius cut in with a wide grin, "Give Prongs a lap dance."

"_What_?" Lily asked in disbelief, apparently not quite drunk enough to follow such instructions without question. Meanwhile, James was turning pink as he blinked at Sirius.

"No one but me is allowed to see that side of my Lily!" he exclaimed – which was stupid, seeing as his girlfriend had a history of defying his word ever since the first time he had asked her out in second year. At his indignant complaint, lily instantly hitched up the robes that were comically large on her and climbed over to straddle his lap. Sirius hooted and checked his dignity was still safely covered.

"_Now _it's a party!" Sirius laughed approvingly as James stuttered and flushed, his eyes fixed on Lily, who gyrated and rubbed herself against him. Peter's eyes were popping out as he stared as though to imprint the image on his brain forever, whereas Remus was sitting a still as possible, trying desperately to look as though Sirius' nakedness beside him wasn't bothering him in the slightest. Lily promptly finished with a giggle and shifted back to the floor to spin the bottle.

"Sirius!" Lily sang, whipping out her wand. Sirius flinched and lifted his hands to protect himself.

"Argh!" James spluttered, "Cover yourself, man!"

"Wouldn't have slipped if your girlfriend didn't threaten me." Sirius muttered.

"I'm not." Lily snorted, rolling her eyes. She reached for a bottle of butterbeer and deliberately spilled some on the floor to point her wand at it and turn it into a butterscotch coloured ice cube. "Sirius, you have to keep this balanced on Remus' stomach until it melts."

"Easy." Sirius stated confidently, while Remus gave the Headgirl a suspicious glare.

"Using only your mouth." She finished with a smirk at Remus.

"What?" James asked dumbly, lifting his eyebrows at his chuckling girlfriend. Sirius grinned, stating that he never passed up a challenge as he pushed Remus onto his back with one hand – almost singing his hair.

"Sirius, I don't—" the nervous werewolf tried to protest, fighting to sit up again.

"I refuse to forfeit!" Sirius exclaimed, pushing him down again.

"Mate," James spoke up in a pained voice, "Could you _please_ do this facing us? I really don't want to be staring at your arse the whole time."

"Scared you'll lose control?" Sirius teased, but swung Remus around with his legs and crawled – awkwardly, since his other hand was otherwise occupied – to position himself with his rear end facing the staircases. "Tell me if anyone comes down."

"Not likely." James snickered. Sirius flipped him the bird and signalled for the ice cube. With an evil sparkle in her eyes, Lily levitated the butterbeer ice cube as Sirius pushed Remus back down again and shoved his shirt up to his chin. Remus blushed uncomfortably when his scars gleamed in the firelight, but quickly forgot when the ice cube landed on his midriff. He shifted at the cold sensation and made a small sound of unease, but Sirius slapped his thigh to still him and settled between his legs, his free hand balancing him beside Remus' hip.

"This is so weird." James said mournfully, as Sirius lowered his head to balance the slipping ice cube on Remus' skin, "My girlfriend's a pervert."

Lily hit James, but Remus didn't see – he was far more interested in watching Sirius go at his task, feeling his hair tickling his waist. He squirmed, trying not to react and give himself away, making Sirius grab his hip with his _other_ hand to still him. Oh gods, oh Merlin, oh…Remus glanced down and – yep, definitely not covered anymore. There was something…stimulating about having Sirius naked on top of him with other people watching like there was nothing wrong with it. He hoped to Merlin that Sirius wouldn't notice his appreciation of his anatomy, or there would be trouble afoot.

An eternity seemed to pass before the cube finally melted, most of the sweet liquid already having been lapped up by the animagus before him, but as the remains melted away, Remus felt the tip of Sirius' tongue dip into his navel briefly, making him yelp and sit up. Sirius emitted a pained "oof!" when Remus' knee collided with his chin, but sat up with an amused wink as he covered himself again.

"What?" James asked with a frown. Remus looked over to find Lily stifling laughter with her hand and earning herself a heated glower.

"Sirius is just acting like the mutt he is." Remus said in a calm voice that contradicted the pace of his heart, "Spin the bottle again, Pads."

"Aye, aye, wolf boy." Sirius grinned, chortling when Remus smacked him upside the head, "Peter, my lad. Be it truth or dare?"

"Truth." Peter answered, wrinkling his nose in a rather rat-like manner when Sirius groaned.

"Hmm," James hummed thoughtfully, "If you had to kiss any of the _guys_ here, who would it be?"

"Um Lily?" Peter asked hopefully.

"Boys, Peter." Lily shot him down with a roll of her eyes.

"Erm…" Peter wrung his hands for a moment before blurting out with an air of panic, "Remus!"

"WHAT?" James and Sirius cried simultaneously.

"I thought it would be me!" James sniffed whilst wiping away an imaginary tear.

"I do worry about you, sometimes." Lily sighed. James pouted and then beamed when he received a quick peck on the cheek. Meanwhile, Remus was giving Sirius a raised-eyebrow look as the other boy flushed a little and stubbornly avoided meeting the werewolf's gaze after his outburst. Remus was about to tell Peter to spin the bottle to dissipate the awkwardness in Sirius' posture, when the portrait hole opened and none other than – _oh dear Merlin_ – Professor McGonagall entered.

"Evening, professor." Lily said in a voice that was too high as she hurriedly waved her wand behind the cover of the sofa to vanish the remaining bottles and food that they weren't exactly supposed to have access to. Remus admired her wordless wandwork even whilst intoxicated and mentally noted to ask her how she managed it. McGonagall approached them, giving them an odd look at them on the floor instead of the perfectly comfortable chairs, before appearing to decide that she didn't want to know.

"I came to check that there weren't celebrations still happening." the professor told Lily, James and Remus – the ones who were supposed to be the responsible ones there, seeing as they were the two Head students and a prefect, "You should be heading up to bed, too. Lessons are still running tomorrow, no matter how many Gryffindor students signed your petition to cancel them to celebrate your victory." She added to James, who closed his mouth with a shrug that read, _at least I tried_, "I'm glad to see it hasn't been too bad and I must say, I commend you for finally getting rid of that goat, Miss Evans."

"No problem, professor." Lily smiled politely, "It was blocking the chimney."

"Yes, yes. Well, goodnight and again, well done, Potter Black…" the professor trailed off as she finally looked at Black, who lifted one hand to waggle his fingers at her. She mouthed for a moment, looking remarkably like a goldfish as she took in his complete lack of any attire.

"It was quite the game, was it not, Minnie?" Sirius asked cheerfully, obviously enjoying watching their Head of House lost for words. Remus decided to help the situation – since the others were all suppressing laughter – by jumping up and guiding their professor back over to the portrait hole.

"I'll deal with Black and then get everyone up to bed," he assured, hoping she wasn't having a heart attack, "You can go and get some sleep and rest easy knowing we aren't tearing apart the common room."

McGonagall nodded, glancing at the floor as though to gather her wits about her and then made a noise that was something akin to 'argyhlfjakl' which made Remus wonder whether he needed to fetch help from Pomfrey, before he glanced over at his highly _unhelpful_ friends to see them snickering and pointing. Remus looked down to see – why couldn't he just _die_ – a bulge in his trousers, a result he hadn't known he was sporting from Sirius work with the ice cube. Bloody dog.

With a face that was probably as red as the good-turned-evil socks under James' bed – the ones that had an irreversible charm on them to squeeze the life from any feet they came across – Remus quickly ushered McGonagall out of the common room and closed the portrait hole behind her. Checking that his 'problem' had gone down, he turned to face his friends, who immediately stopped snickering and whispering to each other to look over at him solemnly.

"I blame you all for that." He said gravely, unable to stop the grin from cracking through in his alcohol induced state. He went to re-join the circle as Peter yawned. James caught the yawn and his own stretched his mouth wide.

"Looks like we're finally tired." Lily said, muffling her own yawn.

"Yup. Shall we end the game here, then?" Peter asked hopefully.

"No." Sirius said with narrowed eyes, "If I have to be naked all week, then the rest of you lot have to do something for the whole week, too."

"I'll agree to that." James shrugged fairly, "We have to keep doing other dares, too. It'll make lessons interesting."

"N.E.W.T.s _are_ interesting." Remus protested, but without any conviction. He would be dragged into his no matter what, so there wasn't much point in putting up a real fight.

"Soooo," Sirius said ponderously, "I'm going to be naked. By the way, Evans, I wouldn't mind something that I'm allowed to wear – you know to cover the boys when my hands are otherwise occupied.

"Fine." Lily smirked, conjuring – oh, gods. Remus was having an aneurism – a leopard print G-string. Good god, how was anyone going to concentrate with Sirius wearing _that_ in class. It was official – Remus was going to fails his N.E.W.T.s; if any questions came up on the work they would be doing during the following week, all he would be able to write would be: _I don't know what the ingredients for Felix Felicis are, because I was too busy staring at my best friend's arse on his way to the storage cupboard_. Yeah, that would go down _really_ well.

"Cheers," Sirius thanked her with a barking laugh, "Turn around, you perverts."

Remus turned away with a chuckle along with the others and waited until Sirius told them it was safe .They all turned and James yelped in shock.

"Shit! _Black_!" he shouted. Sirius turned around from where he had been proudly displaying his buttocks and sat down with a tipsy grin. Remus cleared his throat and looked away, ignoring Lily's snorts of laughter. "Alright, so what should the rest of us have to do for the week?"

"Weeellll…" Sirius grinned impishly. He whipped out his wand and – before anyone could rightfully panic – pointed it at Lily with a quick incantation that none of them caught. A dramatic puff of smoke swallowed her up and they all stared, waiting for it to dissipate. Once had, Sirius howled with laughter and James howled with horror. Lily just stared down at herself with an expression that was a mixture of horror and fascination. Or should it be _himself_. Yes, that's right – Sirius Black had turned Lily Evans into a seventeen year old boy. A boy with cropped red hair and bright green eyes.

"Amazing!" Lily chirped in a disturbingly low voice that somehow still sounded like her own, "How did you do that?"

"One of my own little spells. I did it, so naturally, it was amazing." Sirius smirked, twirling his wand between his fingers lazily and ignoring James whining that he couldn't shag a guy, "Customised the smoke myself, of course. It needed a little razzle and dazzle."

"That couldn't have sounded more gay, Pads." Remus chuckled. Sirius narrowed his eyes and pointed dramatically at the werewolf, who stiffened. He had had to open his big mouth, hadn't he? Now Sirius was going to turn him into a ferret or something. The over excitable boy had witnessed a seventh year, Alistair Moody, turn a Slytherin into a ferret and the eleven year old child that had been Black had yet to forget about the incident. Ever since, he had been itching to use the spell but the opportunity had never arisen.

"I'll save yours for last." Sirius drawled with a teasing wink that made Remus squirm. Lily hit James upside the head and squealed at her new strength when the chaser groped at her chest with a forlorn expression.

"Hands off, Potter, or I'll make sure you won't be able to sit for a week." Lily threatened. The boys (well, the _real_ boys. Quite down, Pinocchio), looked over at her questioningly – Sirius suggestively, thinking she was referring to some kind of kinky spanking session – until she glanced down at her crotch and then at James pointedly. A moment passed in silence before James yelped and grabbed her hand, apologising profusely for molesting her breastless chest.

"That has got to be one of the most disturbing images I've ever been forced to imagine." Peter stated matter-of-factly. Remus and Sirius glanced at each other and shuddered. Sirius cleared his throat, distracting Lily from her task of jabbing herself curiously in the crotch and wincing repeatedly – which, frankly, made the others flinch with every poke – and asked who was next to receive their week-long dare.

"Me! Me! Me!" James squawked, lifting his hand in the air like Lily in potions class. Remus instantly raised his wand and muttered two separate spells. When he was done, the others minus James dissolved into violent fits of giggles. "What?" the clueless boy begged, "_What did he do_?"

"Turned you green and gave you an afro." Reus shrugged, "It just came to me."

"WHAT?" James screeched, hands flying to his hair – which was when he noticed his luminous green skin, "I'll never away with this!"

"You giving in?" Sirius asked with an evil grin, "The forfeit is Lily's choice."

Lily gave her boyfriend a wide smile and James shook his head quickly, edging away from her a little. Peter snorted in amusement and James pointed his wand at the rotund boy.

"Think that's funny? How about this, then?" he demanded, flicking his wand. The others watched to see what Peter's dare would be, but were confused when all that happened was that his alarmed self had disappeared. "Err…" James trailed off, staring at the floor where Peter had been. The others looked down too, to see a puddle of bright orange, slimy looking goo in the boy's place.

"Well, I always thought Pete would be the first one to go," Sirius said sadly, "But with more of a bang."

"I can still hear you, Sirius." The goo said irritably. James yelped and jumped back onto Lily's lap – before leaping off again when he realised the danger of the position of his arse, "James, care to explain why _I'm bloody goo_?"

"No need to panic, Pete." James said quickly, jabbing at the goo, "Where's your mouth…?"

"Stop poking me! And how am I supposed to _stop panicking_?" the goo demanded shrilly. Something about the image of a glowing green boy prodding at a pile of sludge.

"I…didn't meant for that to happen. Sorry?" James tried with a shrug, "How did you know it was me poking you? Where are your _eyes_?"

"Don't worry, Wormtail," Remus assured the orange blob soothingly, "There's timing charm we can cast on all of us that will make sure the effects of these spells will only last until this time next week."

"Oh, thank Merlin." The goo muttered sarcastically, "I only have to stay as this_ nonentity_ for a _week_."

"Wormy turns into a carrot slushy and he grows balls." Sirius snorted. He pause, looking thoughtful, "Hey, Wormy…do you have balls?"

"I…" Peter cleared his…throat? Did he have…? Whatever, moving on – Peter made a noise from somewhere within the goo and a smirk spread across his face. "You are _not_ going to check."

"What was supposed to happen, James?" Lily asked, frowning at the Peter-puddle.

"I…hadn't really planned anything." James shrugged. Lily rolled her – his (wow, this is getting confusing, right?) – eyes and shook her head.

"You lot look ridiculous." Remus giggled tipsily, looking around at his mismatched friends. Lily turned her green gaze on him and grinned rather evilly.

"Don't think we've forgotten about you." She smirked, "Hmm…I think you shooooould…" she stroked an imaginary beard (which may not be as imaginary I a few days), "Speak what you're really thinking without being able to stop it or consider whether or not it's rude."

"What? _No_!" Remus protested in alarm. Sirius perked up and snickered.

"That could be interesting." He considered, glancing at Remus, who have him a heated glare.

"What if I think about the moon?" he asked quickly. Lily shrugged, answering easily that she could create barriers with her spell. Remus cursed under his breath. James frowned.

"He could just cheat by whispering his thoughts," Prongs pointed out to the chagrin of Remus, "Like he does when he swears."

"Fuck you, Potter." Remus snapped, just to prove a point.

"That's easily fixed." Lily shrugged, "We'll transfer Sirius' personality traits to him. He'll speak like him, too."

"Genius!" Sirius crowed with a villain-like cackle, "He'll never shut up!"

"I'll speak like him, too? I don't…oh, fine." Remus sighed, waving a hand at Lily with an air of defeat, "Go ahead. I'm never going to get out of this, so get it over and done with."

Lily giggle, which sounded odd coming from a boy's mouth (let's ignore the fact that Remus has, in fact, already giggled at least once in this fic), and waved her wand between him and Sirius, who squirmed in excitement.

There was an unbearable moment of silence, in which Remus' mind was blissfully blank. And then his mouth was opening and it had all begun. The week in which they were all bound to get expelled from Hogwarts without completing their N.E.W.T.s.

"Doesn't look like your nasty scheming has worked this time, Evans." Remus drawled, leaning back against the side of the fireplace and folded his hands behind his head and making his shirt ride up to show a strip of skin. The others lifted their brows and then spluttered with barely suppressed laughter. Remus thought, _oh Merlin, I'm acting like Sirius, this is so humiliating_, but what he actually said was, "Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo. Looks like the bint can do something right after all! Make sure you do her good as a reward, Prongsy old boy. When she's got tits again, though…unless you actually _want_ to do it the Gay Way."

The last part was said as though it deserved capital letters and Remus felt utterly horrified that such things has come out of his mouth, but instead of an apology, all that left his mouth was a bark-like laugh that sounded scarily like Sirius, who was laughing alongside him heartily.

"You'd better hope that was all Sirius there and not just you." Lily scowled at Remus – who desperately wanted to look contrite, but couldn't due to a very Sirius-like smirk dominating his face – and Sirius, who fluttered his eyelashes innocently. James howled with laughter and the Peter-puddle snickered in amusement.

"Nice." James grinned appreciatively. Lily's scowl turned on him.

"Don't forget I'm strong enough to push you around properly." She/he warned him.

"Ooo, Jamesie's gonna get a spanking!" Sirius sang.

"Lotion up, antler boy, it's gonna be a rough ride." Remus chortled. Sirius held up his hand and, to his utter mortification, high fived him with a self-satisfied snort. Lily seemed to notice some kind of inner turmoil going on behind Remus' self-satisfied grin, because she rolled her eyes at him in exasperation.

"I know you're trying to fight it, Remus," she said with a half-smile that made Remus feel sick, but made his body stretch nonchalantly and morph his face into a cocky grimace, "Once you cast the timing spell, we'll all be stuck like this."

"No point in fighting it." The Peter-puddle muttered bitterly. James threw the goo another apologetic glance that was ruined by a badly suppressed smirk. Remus sighed – a sound that would have been a small, defeat sound had he been able to act normal, but actually came out as a long, dramatically drawn out exhalation, and accepted his fate. The forfeit for refusing to carry out a dare was far too dreadful for him to complain. He may as well just play along and enjoy himself.

"_Fine_, Red." Remus stated with a flourish of his wand over the group to cast the timing spell, "There we are! Stuck like this 'til Minnie rumbles us and then stuck like this till the end anyway." He tittered to himself and stretched out on the floor, closing his eyes. No one else spoke, so he cracked open one eye to see the others staring at him – well, he assumed Peter was staring at him, anyway. Sirius was staring the hardest, a look of disbelief on his face.

"I know I'm undeniably sexy and that it's hard to control your raging libidos around me, but do you _have _to stare like that?" Remus asked, fanning his face, "You're making me blush and _I don't blush_."

Sirius opened his mouth and sat like that for a moment before speaking, "Do I really sound like that?"

"Mmm." Lily hummed in her new broken voice, which attracted James' attention again, who tore his eyes away from Remus to stare at his girlfriend (boyfriend?), again, "It's irritating, isn't it?"

"What?" Sirius asked with a loud laugh, "It's _brilliant_!"

"Think of all the prank we could get away with if Sirius' Siriusness is joined with Remus' intelligence," James cackled, rubbing his hands together, "We'll be unstoppable!"

Remus, internally unsure of whether he would be able to express his own thoughts through Sirius, or whether Sirius' thoughts would come out of his mouth instead, burst out, "What are you, fucking crazy? Prongs, mate, my brother from another mother, I am not your bitch."

_Well,_ Remus thought with inner relief, _at least it's _my_ thoughts. They're just in Sirius' words._

"I agree." Sirius spoke up to everyone's surprise, "We shouldn't use Moony."

Sirius looked around at his friends when no one replied to see James frowning at him suspiciously, Lily smirking at him knowingly and the Peter-puddle had stopped grumbling to itself.

"Err, well, I mean that he'll just hex us to death if it's Moony's temper mixed with my own, so…" Sirius tried helplessly. James was still watching him, his eyes flicking between Sirius and Remus, who was fixing his hair absentmindedly. Lily, apparently – finally – feeling sorry for him, yawned and announced that they should all go to bed and continue the dares in the morning. The others agreed and got to their feet, Sirius and Remus both stretching like cats at the same time.

"That's getting creepy." James commented with a lifted eyebrow as he and Lily went to kiss each other goodnight before pulling away looking confused. They clapped each other on the shoulder instead, Lily chuckling and turning away to head up the girls' staircase – only to have it turn into a slide and have her/him slip backwards and land on the floor with a pained and surprised "oof!"

"Guess it's the boy's dormitory for you, Evans!" Sirius chirped with a wide grin. Lily and James glanced at each other as Remus gave her a hand up and twirled her/him in a circle before shoving her/him at James, who caught her/him gingerly.

"Ah, awkward young love." Remus sighed dreamily, fluttering his lashes at the couple, "Even more awkward when the chick's got a dick, too."

"Shove off, Lupin." Lily muttered, narrowing her/his eyes at him. She turned back to James with imploring eyes that even worked well on her male counterpart, "Can I sleep in your dorm?"

The Headboy ruffled his hair nervously – momentarily getting his hand caught in his afro – and glanced at his friends. Remus and Sirius shrugged carelessly and the goo sighed loudly.

"She can have mine." The Peter-puddle grunted, "S'not like I'm going to need a bed, now anyway."

"Thanks, Peter." Lily grinned, the expression she had picked up from James looking even more scarily like her boyfriend than usual on her temporarily male face. Peter sighed again and they all headed up to the seventh year boys dormitory, the goo somehow sliding its way up the stairs unaided. Upstairs, Lily was staring in horror at Peter's bed. James was standing next to her, his glowing skin lighting up half of the room in which the other seventh year boys were already asleep.

"Peter," Lily hissed the goo, "What the hell is all over your bed?"

"Dunno. It turned purple last week, so I think it's maturing."

"I am _not_ sleeping in that!" Lily complained. James shushed her, glancing at the other boys. Remus rolled his eyes and physically steered her over to his own bed, where the sheets were crisp and clean – and _white_.

"Sleep in mine." He ordered, "I'll sleep in Padfoot's."

"And where's Padfoot supposed to sleep?" James asked in confusion, standing in the middle of their beds to provide them with green tinted light. Remus rolled his eyes.

"In his bed too, Prongs. That afro sucked up all your brain power?"

"We did it all the time in first year," Sirius said, waving Remus over to his bed, "It's fine."

"Scared I'll ruin your little dog by ploughing him into the mattress?" Remus asked with a sassy wink at James, who paled slightly (if paling was the green getting a little lighter in shade), "Don't worry, he'll still be able to play fetch once I'm done with him."

"Dear Merlin," James snorted as Lily muffled her laughter behind a hand, "A straight _and_ a gay Sirius. No one in the world will ever be safe again."

"We'll be unstoppable," Sirius grinned, puffing his chest out, "Like Manbat and Bird."

Lily and Remus glanced at each other before falling about laughing. Sirus scowled, hands on hips as he waited for them to calm down. Once they had, he demanded, "What?"

"It's Batman and Robin." Lily corrected with a masculine giggle. Sirius stuck his tongue out and started to undress for bed. Remus, who slept usually in pyjamas, had a feeling that he would be copying Sirius tonight and spending the night in his boxers. Sure enough, he sat on the edge of the bed beside Sirius, who had already climbed under the covers and lifted an eyebrow at Lily, who was dithering and fingering the hem of James' robes. Meanwhile, James was glowing even more, having stripped out of Lily's skirt and too-tight shirt and the Peter-puddle had disappeared under its bed.

"Scared to look down and see no tits?" Remus asked in amusement. Lily glared at him, "Just get undressed, you'll still have nipples for Merlin's sake."

"Sirius! I mean, uh, Remus!" James stumbled, confused as he turned to face Remus, who grinned and shrugged innocently. He came closer to talk and Remus flinched inwardly as his green glow highlighted the map of scars over his uncovered body. He stilled defensively as Lily stopped shrugging her robes off to stare in shock. It was, at least, reassuring that Sirius felt as defensive as Remus did about his lycanthropy, so he was free to act as he usually would about it. With a few Sirius twists, anyway.

"You'll lose those bogey coloured eyes if you don't stop bloody staring." Remus snapped. He felt Sirius' hand on his back to calm him. Even James didn't butt in and defend her, just as protective of Remus' furry little problem, as Lily looked away, abashed, apologising profusely and saying in a small voice that she's just never seen them before. Remus forgave her haughtily and Lily nodded – which was when she realised that she was currently standing around with three seriously underdressed boys. She squeaked suddenly, sounding like a girl again, her eyes darting between James (whose good looks were not dimmed much by his greenness and his afro-ness), Sirius and Remus before muttering something unintelligible and darting into the bathroom, slamming the door closed. Frank murmured in his sleep as the three boys glanced at each other with varying degrees of amusement. Meaning that James was panicking about whether he'd done something to upset his girlfriend – boyfriend – girlfriend…whichever.

"I doubt it, Jamie boy," Sirius grinned, stretching out on his bed and waggling his eyebrows suggestively, "Looked to me like she was overwhelmed by our joint, naked sexiness and ran off to have a quick wank."

"_What_?" James squeaked, sounding remarkably like Lily, "No!"

"Girls get horny, too, y'know." Remus provided helpfully.

"Yeah. It'll just feel a little different this time." Sirius snickered. James clapped his hands over his ear and hummed in a slightly maniacal fashion as Sirius continued to provide details as to what his girlfriend was now doing in their bathroom. Lily saved the poor boy after a while by emerging and explaining that she had needed the bathroom and panicked when she realised that she couldn't ask any of them for help, lest she have the piss taken out of her. James looked ridiculously relieved and Sirius and Remus fell about laughing.

"Shut _up_." Peter's voice groaned from under his bed. Lily put her fingers to her lips and climbed onto Remus' bed. With a brisk and disturbingly excited goodnight, she yanked the hangings closed and no more sound could be heard.

"Bet she's cast a silencing charm," Sirius grinned.

"And you know the only reason we do it on the beds." Remus finished with a Sirius-like waggle of his eyebrows.

"See?" Sirius asked innocently when no indignant response came from behind the closed hangings. James smacked Remus and told him to pass it on for him. The chortling werewolf obliged and Sirius gasped with mock offence, grabbing Remus by the arms and pulling him down onto the bed.

"Traitor!" Sirius cried, earning himself a joint _"sshh!_" from the other occupants of the dorm. Sirius grinned and poked Remus in the ribs.

"His fault, not mine." Remus called to the others.

"No promises that you're not going to hear any more strange noises tonight." Sirius added with a wink at Remus, who waggled is eyebrows and stuck his tongue out. "Gods, this is gonna be hilarious."

"Go to sleep." James ordered, climbing into his own bed, "Gotta get my beauty sleep for Minnie in the morning."

"It's me she wants, Prongs, butt out of my affair with McGonagoogly eyes." Remus sniffed with mock outrage, "Mind you, if she's wearing that hat – you know, that new one with the feather – I may have to break it off. Then you can have her."

"Agreed. I like the feather." James grinned, his green teeth glinting in the darkness, "I can't believe you have all of these jokes and comments locked away in your head, Moony. I'm impressed."

"Seriously, shut _up_." One of the other boys snapped, "Is that…? What's green over there?"

James dived under his covers to snorts of laughter from Remus and Sirius, before they all fell asleep, dreaming of the chaos of the next day. Well, James, Sirius, the Peter-puddle and even Lily were. Remus, on the other hand, was trying to ignore the fact that Sirius was only wearing that thong and desperately concentrated on going to sleep before his impure thoughts made his impulsive body do something he was going to regret.

**So what did you think? Bit random, but hey. R&R! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **The pups or anything else that in any way resembles JKR's work is not mine. The Bantersaurus Rex, however, is owned by moi, and if anyone wishes to rent it for a party to ensure that conversation is particularly hilarious and random, then please contact me at: rentadinosaur32 .uk

Part Two: The Bantersaurus Rex is a Rare Creature That Must be Preserved

"Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!"

"Shut up, or I'll poke you in the eye with Prongs' morning wood." Remus snapped grumpily, batting away whatever was making that irritating whispery sound in his ear. He rolled over, squinting in the early morning sun, to look at his clock. _Six thirty_. Beside his clock was a head of cropped red hair and imploring green eyes.

It took a moment before the previous night's events flooded back – which explained why Sirius was draped all over him, why he had a thumping headache and why he had said something out loud that he normally considered highly rude and rather unnecessary.

"I'm going to forget you said that." Lily said drily in that odd male-Lily-Evans voice, "I need your help, Rem."

"I act like a retard now, Evans." Remus yawned, earning himself a hand slapped over his mouth as Sirius stirred behind him, "You really want _me_ to help you out? I'll probably announce it at breakfast. Ooo, can I announce it at breakfast?"

"No!" she hissed urgently, "Since both you _and_ Black respond well to my threats, you will _not_ tell anyone about this, or I'll tell everyone – that's right, _everyone_ – about your little thing with Sirius."

"Conniving little bitch." Remus muttered. Lily narrowed her eyes.

"You may be able to use the excuse that it's Sirius' impulsiveness making you speak, but it's _your_ thoughts you're speaking." She reminded him coolly.

"Well, duh." Remus smirked, "They're all Siriusised, though. So, not my fault after all. Moving on – what did you want from the legend that is Remus Lupin?"

Lily blinked at him before shaking her head, "Merlin, it's weird to hear you talking like that. But, err, can we discuss this in the bathroom?"

"Sure, but we have to be quick." Remus said with another yawn as he rolled out of bed, "Wouldn't want Prongs thinking we're up to no good, would we?"

"Here, drink this." She whispered, digging in her pyjama pocket and handing him a vial of what he recognised to be a hangover potion – which was when Remus realised she was wearing _his_ pyjamas. He took it and downed the bitter potion in one as he followed her across the dorm.

"Didn't realise you like me so much you had to steal my clothes, Red."

"James doesn't have any, I wasn't about to ask Black – or you, now – and I was _not_ going to wear Peter's. And anyway, your trunk was in reach and I was tired." She explained in a hushed voice as James turned over in his bed and continued to snore like a bear.

"No need to lie to me, darling."

Lily sent him another glare, walking a little oddly as they entered the bathroom. She locked the door, silenced it with a wordless charm and turned to Remus, who was leant back against one of the shower cubicles with his arms folded. She looked down and then back up again – too quickly. Remus realised that _she_ had realised that he was fairly underdressed and smirked at her light blush.

"I, err, have a problem." She said, obviously embarrassed by whatever it was.

"Something that the doting boyfriend can't fix?"

"No!" Lily said quickly, "He'll just make it weird and I know he feels awkward about my being a boy and…and you're gay, so you're not attracted to me. So it won't be as weird, right?"

Remus lifted his eyebrows, amused at the usually articulate Lily Evans sounding so unsure of herself, "I can't answer that unless you tell me what it is."

Lily took a deep breath and gestured to her nether regions. Remus' eyes dipped and a wide grin spread across his face for a fleeting moment – the blush that would have tinted his cheeks had he been himself did not arrive. Instead, he shrunk his grin into a lopsided smirk and drooped his eyelids. Lily swallowed thickly, seeing one of Sirius' most dangerous expressions adorning sweet Remus' face.

"Ah," Remus said in a soft, silky voice that sounded odd to his own ears as it wasn't one he would have ever used himself, "So because I'm the gay one, it wouldn't be awkward for me to help a very _pretty_ boy jerk off?"

"Err—I—I don't…" Lily stammered, backing up a step and flushing a deep, tomato red that clashed with her hair horribly. Remus laughed, breaking the spell, and flapped his hands around.

"I'm just kidding around, Evans." He chuckled, "Calm down, I'm not going to shag you against the shower wall or anything. Prongs would poison my tea. You do make a very attractive boy, though, and this is coming from the guy whose standards are as high as the almighty prat that is Sirius Orion Black."

Lily relaxed with her third glare of the morning and the sighed, "Okay, thanks. I guess"

"You're thanking me for not coming on to you?" Remus asked with a theatrical sigh, "Must be losing my touch."

"I'm thanking you for the compliment," Lily laughed. Remus smiled at having broken the tension after having made her uncomfortable, "The flirting was, err, scarily effective."

"Oh dear, I made Potter's girlfriend hard." Remus gasped, covering his mouth with his hand, before doubling over with hearty laughter, "Oh, gods! That is _definitely_ the most messed up thing I've ever said."

"Yes, yes, hilarious." The red haired boy snapped, folding her arms (it's not getting any less weird).

"Okay," Remus smiled, straightening up and calming down, "What is it you need help with?"

"I…err, I tried to…_you know_, but it just felt weird and it kind of hurt."

Remus had to bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing again. He was glad he had Sirius' attitude on side in what could have been a very awkward conversation that would have gotten nowhere if Remus had been his usual, prudish self. "That's not unusual. It's not like guys are born with the knowledge of what feels good and what doesn't."

He moved towards her, making Lily back up against the wall beside the sink. He propped an elbow against the wall beside her head and leered down at her, "You have to experiment, see what feels good for you and what doesn't. When you get it right for the first time," his voice lowered and he leaned down to murmur in her ear, "It's like a current runs through you, like everything's suddenly clear. It feels damned _good_. You need to imagine something that turns you on, that makes you feel hot. James won't work in this form, but I think I know what will."

He felt Lily shiver against him and moved closer, pressing his bare chest against her, "You're attracted to guys, right? So why don't you use those images of what you think Sirius and I could be like? Don't shake your head, you're not as straight laced as everyone else thinks. I know you, remember? Maybe better than Prongs does in a way." Remus pulled back to see Lily almost shaking with the need to go and do something about the problem in her pyjamas, "It's difficult, isn't it? A lot more challenging for a man to wait than it is for a woman."

Lily scowled at him and pulled Remus' pyjama top off and showed him the finger, "Get out. I need a shower."

"'Course you do." Remus smirked, backing toward the door, "Don't worry, I won't tell Jamie about our little _thing_ in here."

Ducking a flying toothbrush aimed at his head, he closed the door, still laughing as he went to go sit on Sirius' bed. The occupant groaned and rolled over to squint at him. Remus patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"How are you so…okay?" Sirius asked in a pained voice.

"Evans gave me a potion." Remus explained, "Probably took it from my trunk."

"Thieving cow." Sirius muttered.

"Took the words right out of my mouth. I'll get you some, mate." Remus said, getting up go over to his trunk. Sirius laughed softly.

"Actually, you would have taken them out of _my_ mouth."

Remus smiled, a little stiffly, "I'll bet I'm a lot less boring like this."

"What? No!" Sirius objected with an offended frown, "You're never boring, Moony! I actually miss the way you usually talk."

Remus went to sit back on the edge of the bed and handed Sirius the potion. The other boy took it and their fingers brushed together. Both froze and met the other's eyes. Before either could make a move, a groan from James' bed drew their attention. Remus cleared his throat and got to his feet to go and get dressed for lessons and throw James a vial of potion, too.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Later that morning, after hiding under their covers until the other boys, Frank and the Gideon brothers, had left to go down to breakfast, the group of misfits had gathered in the dorm to discuss how to go about the first day of their dares.

"Remember then, men…and Peter" James said with a nod to the goo beside him, "We're _not_ to tell anyone that these are dares. If people guess, let them, but otherwise they are to think whatever they like."

"Oh, so people are just going to assume that these are all life choices, then." Remus said sarcastically, "The nudist, the puddle, the psychedelic afro and the sex change. Mmm, I'll bet no one will look at you lot of freaks twice."

"Whatever, that's just the game." James grinned, "Hey, who'd have ever thought the werewolf would be the normal one here?"

Remus laughed Sirius' bark-like laugh and clapped James on the shoulder, who lurched forwards and almost face planted Peter. Which, honestly, would have been hilarious.

"Gods, now I know why you don't like to wrestle," James said, looking slightly disgruntled as he straightened his robes and Lily laughed. Sirius stepped forward, rubbing his hands together as he looked around at them.

"Into the fire then, boys." He said cheerfully, and turned and left the dorm with a strut that might have looked impressive and confident, had he not been wearing, well…_that_. Remus chuckled and followed, feeling marvellously normal as the puddle, the sex change and the psychedelic afro fell in line behind him. The dreary Monday morning hum of half-hearted chat dimmed until it cut out completely as the four Marauders – "wait…where did that fifth one come from?" could be heard from various corners of the common room as they spotted Lily-the-seventeen-year-old-boy – and Lily descended the stairs as elegantly as they could.

Is it possible to appear graceful when you are, for example: bright green and have hair larger than Tina Turner on her favourite hair spray; a new boy who keeps tripping down several steps at a time due possessing to slightly longer legs than usual; a puddle of orange goo that sort of slips down a step, folds over itself and yelps in pain and then repeats the process again; a boy who insists on swaggering down at the same time as sending various onlookers – whether they be male or female – flirtatious winks and suggestive smirks; or a boy who is naked save for a leopard print piece of cloth that covers his valuables in the most precarious manner possible? Answer: no, no you cannot.

Sirius, apparently unsure of whether he wanted to cover himself or proudly display himself, tried to cover himself at the same time as throwing his arms out and announcing their arrival. Such a confusion resulted in the scantily clad boy wobbling dangerously and his arms flailing around in a way he would deny if teasingly questioned later. Remus, holding his belly, laughed – hard – at his friend, but the sound cut out quickly when one of the flailing arms flew his way and fingers grasped his robes for balance. Remus spun around and jumped at Lily for support. He slipped on the Peter-puddle, which howled in outrage and agony as Remus stomped over his…something of other (let's stop pretending we know for sure that he has any kind of body part), and scrabbled at his/her chest. Lily tried to bat him away but he held fast as he started to fall along with Sirius and, despite having a little more boyish strength than usual, (come on, she was supporting two fully grown boys who were obviously firmly set in their decision to fall down the stairs and embarrass themselves further), shrieked in a rather unmanly way that made her proud and every other boy in the world flinch, grabbing blindly for James behind her. James, having watched the scene unfold with an amused grin, blinked as Lily's hand closed around his arm. His eyes barely had a chance to widen before he was pulled off his feet and was forced to follow the others – minus the Peter-puddle – down into the common room.

Everyone stared down at the marauders and the new one all lying in a heap on the floor – shortly followed by the orange goo that slid slowly down the stairs in a mildly, comically uncontrollable way. Remus stepped in, in true Sirius-fashion, and jumped to his feet, throwing his arms open and bowing to their audience.

"The five Marauders!" he announced, "We're here all week."

A fifth year boy lifted a hand tentatively and said in a small voice, "I thought there were only four of you."

"There _are_ only four of them." Another voice piped up, "That chubby one's lost a load of weight and dyed his hair ginger."

"Hey!" the Peter-puddle cried indignantly, earning a few surprised double-takes. Sirius managed to untangle himself from a dazed James and a blushing Lily and jumped to his feet alongside Remus, who finally straightened up from his bow.

"We've always had five." Sirius told the room at wide, with a convincing frown.

"Yup." Remus put in helpfully, "Dunno what you're talking about."

"I think you lot might be hallucinating."

"Might wanna see Poppy about that."

"Fancy forgetting about one of your fellow housemates!"

"Disgraceful! You should be ashamed of yourselves."

"You owe us big time, missy. Plural missies. And misters. And both, or whatever floats your brooms. What do you think, Messr. Moony?"

"I agree, Messr. Padfoot. You can all deliver your chocolate to our dorm and we shall consider this incident forgotten and forgiven."

"And Peter's just having some liquidity problems." Sirius added, turning to gather up his fallen comrades and sliding Peter along the floor with his foot.

"And just for the record, he's not chubby," Remus added to the now silent common room, "He's horizontally challenged." He turned to help Sirius pick up their friends as the boy in question jumped around and waved his foot in the air, screaming about slime and that being 'inside' Peter Pettigrew was mentally scarring and not at all pleasurable: waaayyy to lose. I like it tight, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

He slung his arm around Remus' neck and hung off him like a million pound monkey. They both dragged their friends (well, more gingerly nudged in Peter-puddle's case), out of the common room, leaving a shocked and confused silence behind them.

"What just happened?" someone asked dumbly.

"Ohmigod, ohmigod! Did anyone get a picture of Sirius?" another squealed.

"Did Lupin call Pomfrey by her first name?" a girl asked with a faint blush.

"What happened to Pettigrew this time?" an exasperated prefect questioned.

"What does horizontally challenged mean?"

"Has anyone seen Lily?"

"Didn't anyone else notice that Potter was green?"

"I was staring at his hair."

"I ate the rest of my chocolate last night…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"Well," Lily said sarcastically as they crossed the entrance hall, "That went really well. Couldn't you have even let me explain to my friends that I haven't just disappeared?"

"That would mean explaining the dare," Sirius sang, pinching her cheek, "You know what that would mean!"

"Forfeit." Remus said with an evil grin. Lily frowned at him, not liking the expression on his face. Little did she know, it was an expression that actually _was_ one of his own, just one he only wore very rarely and only in front of the Marauders.

"Eugh. Fine." She sighed, "They'll work it out, I guess."

"Right." James cut in as they stopped before the Great Hall, "How are we doing this?"

"Normally." Sirius answered quickly, waving them on without waiting for anyone to ask him to elaborate. He waltzed into the Great Hall as though nothing was different. Remus shrugged and followed, the others trailing in reluctantly behind him. The moment everyone spotted them, heads turned and conversations stopped in their tracks. As they sat at the Gryffindor table, some people started to laugh whilst others started to whisper suspiciously. Either way, everyone simply assumed it was yet another marauder stunt. Which it was, of course. Hmm, when had they become so predictable?

"Ooo, bacon." James smiled in that simple, pleased way of his, as though he wasn't currently glowing like a radioactive highlighter.

"Mmm, mine." Sirius grunted, snatching the platter up before James could, "Bacon, Rem?"

"Don't mind if I do, Pads." Remus grinned, smacking his chops at the smell of the salty meat.

James pouted and Lily patted his shoulder sympathetically, assuring him that there _might_ be some left after Sirius and Remus were finished with it. They all settled down to breakfast, getting used to the stares – well, Lily was. The others were pretty much used to it already, even if Remus didn't usually outwardly enjoy the attention like he was now, sending winks and mysterious smiles at everyone. He hadn't known he could make girls _swoon_. Not that he was into girls, but whatever. He was making some of the boys swoon, too, so it didn't matter. Peter was just asking them how he was supposed to eat when the bell tolled for their immediate deaths. Which meant, basically, that McGonagall had just entered the Great Hall.

"BLACK. POTTER."

Sirius and James flinched at the sound of their names in McGonagall's stern shout and ducked their heads as she stalked over, ready for the kill. The livid professor skidded to a stop beside them and glowered at the offenders. She was about to start shouting again when she noticed Lily and the Peter-puddle.

"What in Merlin's name…?" she asked quietly. Lily tried to smile, but looked as though she wasn't finding this as funny as she had under the influence of alcohol the previous night.

"Err…" the Headgirl said helplessly. Sirius rolled his eyes at her and turned to smile winningly at the transfiguration professor.

"G'morning, Minnie." He said with a salute, "And how are you this fine day?"

"What are you doing?" McGonagall demanded angrily.

"Eating bacon?" Remus suggested, holding up the rasher in question. She turned to him, seemingly having overlooked him because there was nothing visually wrong with him apart from the unusual way he was dressed, wearing his tie undone around his neck, his top few shirt buttons undone and his robes hanging open. She blinked at him and shook his head.

"Mr Lupin, I do hope you are not allowing yourself to be dragged into trouble again by these oafs you call your friends."

"'Course not, Minnie," Remus grinned, chewing on the bacon, "Do I look like I'm doing anything _naughty_?"

Sirius and James snickered and Lily frowned disapprovingly as McGonagall mouthed at Remus silently.

"Are you going to _punish_ me?" Remus added with an overly innocent smile that ended up looking more flirtatious than anything. Some girls watching – who hadn't read the school newsletter that had announced Remus Lupin's preference for non-existing breasts – sighed at the smile and then blinked, glancing at each other uncertainly and wondering aloud when Lupin had become so desirable.

"I…you…" McGonagall stumbled, before shaking her head and stomping her foot (yes, she really did that), "_My office, all of you_. NOW."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Minerva McGonagall sat behind her desk heavily and took her hat off, laying it on the desk. She lifted her eyes to take in the students sat before her on chairs she had had to conjure up, as she'd never had so many students in her office at once. She pressed her fingers to her temples, feeling a migraine coming on; she didn't even have the help of her two most sensible students, either. Oh no, Potter and Black had taken the privilege of Lily's stern nature and Lupin's calm reasoning away from her. This early – before classes had even begun – she wasn't entirely sure she could deal with the troublemakers effectively. _Well, here goes…_

"Explain yourselves." She demanded in what she hoped was a forceful, stern voice, but was afraid had just come out sounding tired despite the early hour. The pitying glance didn't come from Lupin and Lily could only seem to stare down at her…his…well, Minerva would much prefer not to admit what she…he…was staring at, but it was most definitely the, err, _crotch_ area. Minerva quickly redirected her eyes and took a deep breath to steady herself before hearing their answer.

"Explain what, Minnie?" Potter asked innocently. Minerva refrained from saying anything she would most likely regret and sighed glared at the students pointedly, looking to Lupin one last time for any support. Luckily, it seemed as though he was going to step up to the plate.

"Aren't you lot gonna do as you're told? I'll get the cane out." he threatened with a wink at Black, who – to the weary transfiguration teacher's horror – made a show of lewdly licking his lips in response. Potter gagged. Lily's head jerked up to see what she'd missed. Minerva rolled her eyes; if that was the closest she was going to receive in the way of wisdom from the boy, then she would leave it at that. Just by looking at Lupin, with his legs wide open as he slouched in his seat and his cocky grin (was he _chewing gum_?), she could tell that there was something seriously amiss in the universe that was Hogwarts.

"Why is Potter glowing green? Why is Miss Evans a boy? Why is Black wearing – _close your legs, Black, for Merlin's sake_! Why is Pettigrew…that? And why is Mr Lupin most _certainly_ not himself? I want a detailed explanation and I want it _now_."

"Why didn't she mention my hair? Hasn't she noticed? It doesn't look normal…right? _My hair does not look like this_."

Minerva, with seven and a half years of experience with dealing with these boys, ignored the panicked ramblings of Potter and fixed her eyes on the rest of them – minus Peter. She wasn't quite sure if he was in possession of any eyes…

"Weeeelll," Black started, drawing the word out in that way of his that maddened his teachers in class. Minerva sighed inwardly as he started twiddling an invisible moustache, "Winning the Quidditch Cup made us all think deeply about our lives, Minnie, and what we want to really, _really_, do with them."

Minerva gritted her teeth and sat back in her chair, eyeing Black suspiciously, "And what conclusions did you all come to?"

"I'm becoming a nudist." Sirius said matter-of-factly, gesturing unnecessarily to his body, "Why not live as you're born and all of that crap. I wear the thong merely to protect you from the primal urges that would take over you, should you see the full extent of my glory, Minnie dear."

Black winked and ran his tongue over his lips in the most lewd gesture he could have managed. Minerva stomped the twitch at the corner of her mouth down before it could grow into smile. Yes, yes, jeer and point – Minerva Mirabella (_don't _laugh) McGonagall found the troublemaker funny. Well, if she was making a point of being honest she may as well admit that she did, in fact, find all four boys funny. Some of their pranks were undeniably tickling, when they didn't involve mutilating fellow students or teachers, and the stories they made a habit of concocting were always farfetched and definitely did a good job of capturing one's imagination. This was one of those times, but she would be damned if she admit that to Black and Potter…and Lupin, it appeared.

"Thank you for your kind consideration, Black." She said drily, turning to Lily, "And you, Miss Evans? I would have expected better of you, as Headgirl."

Lily squirmed and looked down at her hands (she _was _looking at her hands, she was _not_ looking anywhere else in the region of her lap), and Minerva's inner voice cackled, believing that she had won by making the dutiful girl guilty. Dirty tactics, yes, but effective ones.

"I realised that living…that living as a female wasn't fulfilling." Lily said shakily, to Minerva's dismay, "So I used a spell on myself to change my body for a while to see what it would be like as a…as a man."

"And what is your opinion on Miss Evans' decision, Potter? And kindly explain why exactly you are glowing green, while you're at it." Minerva asked, turning to the afro-haired boy, who instantly lifted a limp-wristed hand and grinned happily.

"Well, I was _totally_ behind my gorgeous Lily-flower!" he gushed in the campest voice he possibly could have mustered, "In fact, I think I _prefer_ her—him—with a dick. I mean, tits are like, _so_ last year! As for my fabulousness in deciding to become green, well _that's_ a symbol for the environment. GO FUCKING GREEN, YOU EVIL, NON-RECYCLING WORLD!"

"Language!" Minerva snapped, just as Lupin spoke up humorously with an uncharacteristic smirk spread across his face: "If that's what gay guys sound like, I'm gonna kill myself."

"Which bring me to you, Mr Lupin," the increasingly irate professor said, "What did you discover about yourself?"

Remus shrugged carelessly, "Nothing."

"Mmm." Minerva narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "Forgive me for saying so if I'm wrong in my assumptions, but you don't seem like yourself today, Lupin."

"In what way, my dear?"

"Do I really have to explain?" she muttered, glancing away from Lupin's cheeky wink to look at the clock. Sweet Merlin, she was five minutes late for her first lesson, as were the five students sitting in front of her. The gods knew what her unsupervised seventh years were getting up to in her classroom. She turned back to the troublesome students and told them that they could leave, so long as they didn't drag anyone else into their little schemes.

"Before you go—" Minerva called after them, eyes dipping to the floor to look at the orange goo, "What happened to Peter?"

The puddle said nothing and it's friends merely stared down at it for a long moment before looking back up at their transfiguration professor with blank faces and shrugged. She sighed heavily and waved them away, sitting in her office for a moment to steel herself before she had to deal with them in class. They would be the death of her one of these days.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

The group of oddball students hovered outside the transfiguration classroom, the Peter-puddle keeping watch for McGonagall catching up to them. James had his arms thrown over Lily's and Remus' shoulders, giving them and Sirius a rather evil grin.

"So, comrades," the green boy said importantly, "The first dares of day one will start now and I have two for the great Sirius and Remus."

"Bring it on." Sirus grinned back. Remus rolled his eyes in the most exaggerated way possible and waved a hand to get James to tell them what his genius plans were.

Ten minutes later, most of them could be found seated in the classroom and listening to McGonagall lecture them on the detailed ins and outs of animagus transformations, whilst Sirius and James snickered behind their hands, pointing out even better methods as the teacher spoke. Lily sat beside James, trying to ignore the stares and whispers about her from the other students, even whilst her/his boyfriend and his best friend were bathing in the second glances and chuckles. Remus had been ordered to take the Peter-puddle to the Hospital Wing after he had been stood in and screamed at a few too many times, so they were missing.

But not for long – the door burst open just as McGonagall was calling on Sirius to answer a question and Remus stumbled in, robes hanging askew on his skinny frame, eyes wide, chest heaving. The whole class turned to stare at him as he looked around at his classmates, his eyes darting madly.

"Mr Lupin, why are you disrupting my class in such a manner?" McGonagall demanded snippily. She missed the chortles from James and Sirius at the back as Remus staggered further into the room, spinning around and waving his hands imploringly at various students.

"Please! Tell me where she is!" he cried, the perfect actor from so many years lying smoothly about his whereabouts once a month. He grasped a Ravenclaw girl by the shoulders on the front row and repeated, "Where is she?"

"Lupin!" McGonagall interrupted, shocked by Remus' actions, "What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing?"

"_Where is she_?" Remus howled, falling to his knees before the astounded professor, "Please! I'll do anything you ask! Just don't hurt her!"

"Hurt who, Mr Lupin?" McGonagall asked, looking a little concerned.

"My wife!" Remus answered, practically sobbing. McGonagall's expression turned dry.

"I'm sure I don't know where your _wife_ is, Lupin and I'm sure you've never had one. Now, can you tell me if anyone gave you anything to drink or eat between here and the Hospital Wing?" she asked slowly, reached out to lift Remus' chin to look in his eyes, but he darted away, cowering from the suspicious professor to gasps from the class.

"Don't hurt me, please! I just want her back…I want her back…"

The girls cooed and awwed over Remus' emotional performance and the boys stared questioningly, wondering which Slytherin had hexed him to believe his wife had been stolen and that McGonagall wanted to hurt him. Aforementioned McGonagall was busy squinting suspiciously at James and Sirius, who were both going purple with the effort of _not laughing_.

"Go sit down, Mr Lupin," she advised the shaking Remus on the ground, "And we will see to your wife if you are still concerned at the end of the lesson."

Remus mumbled several fearful 'thank you's and scrambled back to his feet before hurrying over to sit beside Sirius and James. McGonagall managed to get the class's attention back after a while, which gave the boys (including Lily), to snigger together about Remus' little show. Sirius clapped Remus on the back with a hearty laugh, which attracted the professor's attention.

"Something you would like to share, Lupin, Black?" she snapped. Remus responded by throwing his arms over his head and muttering about Russian spies and 'the voices'. McGonagall huffed and turned to Sirius, who straightened his face with years of experience in pretending he was innocent in class.

"Black, I believe I was asking you a question. From the chapter you should have read for homework last week, what is the way described to find your animagus form before attempting the first transformation?"

Sirius grinned – he, James and Peter knew every transfiguration book in the castle back to front, because of the huge amount of research they had put into their plan to help Remus – and put on a mock confused expression before holding up a finger in a perfect impression of Lily, who scowled across at him indignantly, and answered, "The book states that one must create a self-revealing potion which will expel smoke in the shape of your animal counterpart."

"Perfect answer, Black. Ten points to Gryffindor." McGonagall awarded doubtfully as James gave Sirius a high five.

"If you don't mind, Minnie, I have a far easier theory to do the same thing." Sirius called when she had turned to start on the next part of becoming an animagus. She nodded, eyes mistrustful. "I think your patronus would show you what animal you're going to be."

McGonagall blinked at the uncharacteristically serious answer and shook her head, "I'm afraid that wouldn't work, Mr Black. The patronus is a much more volatile representation of one's character. I have seen witches' and wizards' patronuses change depending on what they experience, such as falling in love, and others who have a different patronus to their animagus form."

"Their patronus would just take on whichever experience has effected them most, like love," Sirius nodded. McGonagall didn't miss the glance at Remus beside him, "And their animagus form would follow suit, but stick with that form, never forgetting that first time even if their patronus does."

McGonagall blinked again, along with the rest of the class, obviously surprised at the solemn tone of the comments. Sirius turned to find James staring at him and Lily leaning around to grin smugly at him. When James' eyes flicked over to Remus (who was still cowering and muttering to 'the voices') and back again, Sirius decided that he had to do something to distract everyone from his abnormal attitude in class. And soon.

"It sounds as though you've thought a lot about that, Black. The only other problem is that many people are unable to perform a full patronus charm, as the skill required is quite high. Although I suppose that to have the talent to transform, one is most likely to possess the skill to perform a patronus. Anyway, a good theory, but—"

And there is was – the perfect moment to distract James and start on his first dare, given to him right there on a platter in front of him by dear old Minnie. Bless her and her wide-brimmed hat. Sirius opened his mouth, eyes not leaving McGonagall's, and shouted, "SEX."

"—One unpractised and tested. Wait, _what did you just say_?" McGonagall demanded, eyes blazing as Sirius looked back innocently. The rest of the class, bar a rocking Remus, laughed as they realised what he had done.

"Nothing at all, Minnie dear." Sirius smiled inoffensively.

"I didn't think you saw me as so gullible, Black," McGonagall said threateningly, "But—"

"SEX."

"_Black_!"

"I believe he's saying butt sex, professor." a Ravenclaw sniggered from the front of the class, "Well, you both are actually."

"Yes, thank you, Mr Patil." McGonagall snapped, "Black, stop shouting obscenities in my class, or you will find yourself in detention tonight."

"Sounds fair." Sirius shrugged. James tried to hold in a guffaw of laughter, but (sex) ended up falling under his desk instead. The class turned to stare as the giant afro bobbed around as its owner grabbed around blindly as he tried to get back up, which only resulted in Lily screeching and toppling off her own chair, hands cupping her crotch as she curled into to a ball and cried, "You grabbed my _thing_, James!"

James crawled out, hitting his head on the table with a cringe-worthy _crack_ to go comfort his girlfriend/boyfriend with hovering hands and hasty apologies. Sirius stood to help, bending at the wait and presenting his arse to his professor and the whole class as he asked if Lily was okay and if she finally believed that it _did_ feel like dying when someone whacked your dick and that she should never ever do it to any boy ever again, especially James if was set on having brats with him.

"SIT DOWN, BLACK!" McGonagall bellowed, lifting a hand to block Sirius' waggling arse cheeks from her view. Remus leapt up from his seat and screamed in outrage.

"No, you bastards! _NOT MY FAVOURITE UNCLE!_" he shrieked before running from the classroom, arms flailing about. The room was silent when the door swung softly to a close. The students glanced over at McGonagall, both eager and uneasy to see her reaction. Sirius, James and Lily, who had all frozen in their positions, turned their heads slowly to smile uncertainly at McGonagall. Sirius straightened unhurriedly and jabbed a thumb at the door.

"Should we show ourselves out?" he asked politely.

"OUT." McGonagall roared, "Each of you have detentions tonight, including Mr Lupin."

Lily paled, obviously thinking about her/his clean record, "But—"

"SEX."

"There is no _but_—"

"SEX."

"Nor is there any of that, Mr Black." McGonagall seethed, looking as though she was close to exploding and coating the room with a layer of Minnie-coloured paint.

"Why is there no butt sex?" James pouted, still crouching beside the curled-up Lily.

"The Butt Man took it away." Sirius answered gravely, "The Butt Man is a greedy man who steals away peoples butts in the night, never to return them."

"How selfish of the Butt Man." James sighed, shaking his head, "He must like them a lot to go to all that trouble."

"Some people call it a fetish, but," Sirius lowered his voice to a stage whisper, to the growing amusement of their audience and the growing irritation of their professor, "I hear it's actually due to medical reasons."

"Well then," James nodded decidedly, "No one can say anything if the butts are for his health."

"_What_," McGonagall snapped, "are you two blathering on about?"

"Oh, apologies, dear Minnie," Sirius said with a bow, "Sometimes our mouths run away with us. The dangers of owning a Bantersaurus Rex, you see."

"Mmm," James hummed with a faraway smile, "Helps us to fill awkward silences with any conversation. Magnificent creature, even if he is getting a bit old now. The conversations are getting a little…different."

"But alas," Sirius sighed, "He cannot be put down. We must have him mate with the female owned by the couple across the road from the Potters'."

"The Bantersaurus Rex is a rare creature."

"It _must_ be preserved for the aide of future generations."

McGonagall looked as though she was, genuinely this time, about to blow a casket. She took a step towards them, fingers of her wand hand twitching. "My office at seven, all of you." She said in a strained voice, "Now out! _Out, out, out_!"

They scrabbled to hurry from the classroom as the raging professor stalked towards them, looking very much like she was about to commit three murders if they didn't escape right _then_. When they were safely at their meeting place in the courtyard where they found Remus waiting for them, they all dissolved into hysterics, taking turns into mimicking Remus and pretending to be a shocked McGonagall.

"Gods," Remus gasped, leaning heavily on Sirius' as he tried to suppress his laughter enough to speak coherently and feeling like he truly himself for the first time all day, able to express his thoughts his own way since he was being genuinely outgoing in his amusement, "If we don't get expelled before the end of the week, I'm a nargle."

"They will never supress us!" Sirius cried, "In the words of the beautiful and aptly named, sexy Sex Pistols, I wanna be anarchy!"

"The only way to be!" Remus finished, ruffling Sirius' hair. Sirius roared and knocked the werewolf to the grass, straddling his hips and pinning his floundering arms and cackling in triumph.

"I knew you like the Pistols!" he grinned as Remus laughed and loosed an arm and mussed his hair again, "No touchy! No touchy!"

They tussled for a moment longer before Sirius remembered the others and turned to James to demand a reward for successfully completely his dare – only to meet that contemplating stare again, identical to the one he had received back in class when he had answered McGonagall's question.

"Oi, quit staring. You never seen a naked guy sit on a werewolf before?" Sirius asked jokily, still watching James watching him, "Give us a hand, I think I broke my knee caps."

Lily moved to pull Sirius up as James stopped frowning between him and the other boy and bent to help Remus from the ground. Lily leaned in with a devious grin – which proved that she had _definitely_ spent waaayy too much time with a certain group of seventeen year old boys – and whispered in his ear.

"I am _so_ going to win this bet."

Sirius gritted his teeth and glared at the redhead as James told him to stop seducing his girlfriend. He glanced over at Remus, who had started to dance arm in arm through the courtyard with Lily, singing about anarchy in a joyful tone. Sirius smiled at seeing such a carefree, unlimited version of the usually cautious boy, but didn't for one moment wish that he would change. He had seen this side of Remus (well, a more natural version of what he was under Evans' spell), when it was just the two of them and there were no boundaries. It was wonderful to witness, but he loved him just the way he was, only revealing that part of himself to Sirius and Sirius only, and wouldn't change him for the world, furry little problems at all. Remus was _his_ and Merlin be damned if anyone would ever challenge that.

"MOONY!" James roared, bringing Sirius back to the present as Remus skipped off into the castle, James chasing after him and Lily clutching her sides as she laughed, "STOP GROPING MY GIRLFRIND—BOYFRIEND—GIRLFRIEND—BOY…ARGH, WHATEVER! GET BACK HERE WOLF BOY!"

**A/N:** Don't ya just think that the song Teenagers by My Chemical Romance just fits the Marauders perfectly? ANARCHY! Ahem…review! ^-^


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, not mine, not mine. If you don't know that already, you need to get your head checked, okay? Tell them I sent you, you'll get the penthouse suite at the asylum.

**A/N:** The sonnet I use in this part is by the great William Shakespeare! I used this one, Sonnet 130, simply because I find it charmingly amusing, what with the blunt truthfulness that somehow turns around to be flattering. Ah, if only we could all be as smooth as the great wordsmith! The other poems aren't mine either (duh), but I'll list them at the bottomses. _Anyywaaayy…_the third instalment of Leopard Print Thongs, Peter-Puddles and the Legendary Bantersaurus Rex! Queue drum roll – lights…camera…_action_!

Part Three: The Mostest Bestest in the Class Deserves More Respect, Thank You, Please, You're Welcome, Madam Missus Lady

"De de daahh! Na na na na nananana_naaaaaa_!" Sirius sang, completely off key as he burst into the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, holding his arms out and throwing his head back. The pose might have been impressive, had he not 1) been wearing that leopard print thong and 2) stumbled sideways into the door frame and muttered something about nargles and invisible Peter-puddles tripping him up. Remus and James exchanged amused glances, whilst Lily sighed, regretting her part in their game even more by the minute.

"I SWEAR TO DRUNK I'M NOT MERLIN." Sirius bellowed to the snickering room at large. Of course, he was actually, completely and utterly off his face on Firewhiskey and Doxy Gin as part of his next dare. James had proposed the dare in their free time created by the sudden lack of transfiguration and Sirius had heartily accepted and proceeded to down all the alcohol they had stashed up in their dorm. The result – a sloshed Sirius in a thong. Something that was actually witnessed with startling frequency.

Professor Merryweather looked Sirius over and, with a few years' worth of experience with dealing with the phenomenon that was Sirius Black, sighed and gestured for him to sit down with questioning his lack of clothes and suspiciously intoxicated behaviour. Sirius nodded, giving the weary professor an enthusiastic thumbs up, and did a sort of wobbly jig over to his seat, much to the amusement of his classmates.

"As I was saying," Professor Merryweather sighed, "The cruciatus curse is something, along with the other Unforgivable Curses, that will appear on your N.E.W.T. paper. Naturally, it would never usually appear in your practical, but with the rising threats of war outside the castle walls, the Ministry has insisted that you must understand the curse inside and out. No matter how ridiculous the notion is." She muttered as an afterthought, "Potter, can you tell me exactly what the cruciatus does to the victim?"

"_My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun,"_ James answered whimsically with a charming smile that had a sort of blinding effect on most (yes, McGonagall most definitely fell out of the 'most' category here), of their teachers, "_Coral is far more red than her lips' red. If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun. If hairs be wires, black wires grown on her head_."

Merryweather touched a hand to her black hair self-consciously, looking unsure as to whether she should be complimented, insulted, or simply ignoring him. The class was staring back at James, some in surprise at him knowing poetry and others mainly confused. Lily leaned over to lift a brow at Remus, who wiggled one back.

"Why this one?" she whispered as James continued to wax lyrical at their teacher.

"Just seemed to fit well." Remus snickered, watching Merryweather grow more and more indignant as James went on.

"How did you get him to learn it?"

"The guy's a born performer. He'll do anything to be the centre of a good show."

"_And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare_." James finished, giving a bow.

"Well…" Merryweather blinked and trailed off, shaking her head as though to rid her cheeks of the faint blush that had blossomed there. Remus nudged James and winked.

"_Oh, what a triumph and pride shall be ours_!" the green boy chuckled, patting his afro into shape even though it hadn't moved, the action a replacement of his habit of messing up his normal coiffure most of their year had dubbed the, I-just-got-off-my-broomstick-so-my-hair's-all-sexy -and-windswept-so-let's-shag-under-the-Quidditch-s tands-but-only-if-you're-Lily-Evans-because-she's- owned-my-balls-since-third-year-when-I-spilt-that- hot-chocolate-sauce-on-her-robes-and-then-drenched -her-in-cold-water-to-wash-it-off-in-front-of-the- whole-school-at-dinner-and-turned-her-shirt-see-th rough hairstyle.

Lily sent Remus a Look which the werewolf took that either he would be getting laid that night for making James sound so desirable and romantic, or that James would be getting laid at the end of the week for much the same thing. As much as Remus would have liked to have been recognised for his great efforts, he wasn't entirely sure that being castrated by James would be worth the quick shag in a broom cupboard. Lily might make an attractive boy, but Remus had many things he wished to do before he ever considered becoming a eunuch. One thing he very much wished to do, hard and thoroughly, poked him in the arm and giggled, his eyes slightly crossed as they tried to focus on Remus.

"Rem! Oi, Moony!" Sirius said in a stage whisper. Merryweather was starting to look impatient again. "_Mooooooooonnnyyyy_…I'm _horny_, Moony."

The class tittered. Several of the girls and a couple of guys shifted to try and get a look under the tables at just _how_ horny Sirius was. James reached under and threw his bag at Sirius' general crotch area, eliciting a whining, "oh, fucking, wanking, shitting rainbow frogs, Jamie! That was my _knneeee_!"

"Missed." Remus commented, lacing his fingers together behind his head and kicking his feet up onto the desk. He glanced over at Sirius – and _down_, way too far _down_ – to see that an aching knee certainly hadn't rid Sirius of his embarrassing (or it would have been, were he sober) problem.

"_One failure on top of another._" James snorted, earning an appreciative laugh from Lily.

"_Without shame the man I like knows and avows the deliciousness of his sex_." Remus shot back, giving Sirius a sideways glance that the other boy missed entirely, his attention on Merryweather as he waved his hand around in the air. Lily leaned back around James to glare at Remus, who stuck his tongue out at her.

"Yes, Mr Black?" Merryweather snapped, her usually laid back demeanour completely diminished, speaking loudly to cover up whatever Remus was going to continue saying (which made the girls of the class groan and left wondering who Remus Lupin's delicious male lover was). Sirius smiled, looking like a happy puppy when their teacher called on him.

"I need the loo." He said proudly.

"You've been here for five minutes, Black." Merryweather glared, "And you were late, so no."

"But…weed to nank."

Several pairs of eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Remus rolled his eyes and told Sirius to repeat himself. Sirius nodded seriously (do not think what I know you're thinking. Ah, too late), and turned to the class like a proud ten year old student giving his teacher the proper (but actually improper), spelling of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

"I need to _wank_, professor."

Merryweather went through a fairly amusing mixture of emotions, clearly undecided of whether she should be horrified, amused, or absolutely livid. She settled on quietly astonished and waved a hand toward the door. Sirius stumbled to his feet and gave the professor a vague salute, turning to walk out the door but completely and utterly missing, slamming into the wall just beside the empty space instead. He grumbled as the class snickered behind him and tried again, making the same mistake.

"I'd try aiming for space that resembles the inside of your head, genius." Remus called lazily. Sirius turned and gave him a sloppy thumbs up and then slid to the left with a sort of dance-like shuffle before galloping into the hall outside. The class and their professor were silent, listening as a deafening crash rattled their eardrums, followed by Sirius' voice cheerily greeting Peeves and inviting him to do the waltz with him.

"_He was floppy and sloppy and skinny and tall, but he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all._" James sighed into the dumbfounded silence. Remus clapped him on the back with a sombre nod.

"Couldn't agree more, mate." The werewolf sighed mournfully. He twisted in his seat and cupped his hands around his mouth to yell, "You're only getting giggles here, Pads! We need _belly-aching, knicker-wetting, orgasm-inducing_ bellows of laughter!"

Remus cringed inwardly, a reaction to his own words twisted into those which Sirius might have said in his stead, that his body wouldn't physically convey as the class blinked at his abnormal behaviour and James snorted, ruffling Remus' hair proudly. Lily scooted lower in her seat, gripping her cropped red hair in her effort to look as detached as possible from the over-dramatically lounging werewolf and the green, afro-haired boy who could only wax lyrical instead of speaking like a sane person.

"Settle down, class!" Merryweather called, starting to get desperate now as the lesson continued to spiral further and further out of her control. The students started to quieten down, but – as fate would have it – Sirius exploded back into the room in a shower of gold glitter.

"Sirius Black has…ARRIVED! Again…" the near-nude boy cried, doing a wobbly twirl and hopping (for no reason anyone could ever possibly guess) over to his seat again. When he was seated and quiet – however suspiciously so- Merryweather nodded wearily and continued her theory lecture.

"Before we do anymore on the cruciatus, you will all complete a test on what you already know." Merryweather announced, visibly relieved to have control again and happily ignoring the snoring lump of Sirius sprawled across his desk, Remus and James playing exploding snap on his back. Their game was disrupted, however, when Sirius sat up poker straight, eyes wide and accusing as the professor laid the test in front of him. Merryweather eyed him wearily. The young teacher, usually so laid back, jumped as her student glared up at her.

"Stop copying my answers!" Sirius snapped, his words slightly slurred.

"I haven't—" she frowned, but Sirius cut her off with an imperious wave he still managed to pull off perfectly in his inebriated state.

"Don't lie to me, Katy!" Sirius cried with a miserable wail, "I would think that the mostest bestest in the class deserves more respect, thank you, please, you're welcome, madam missus lady, so please exit the immediate vicinity of my person immediately, professor!"

"Stu_pen_dous vocab for a drunk dickhead." Remus observed cheerfully, kicking his feet up onto the desk again as he swiped up his test paper and examined the questions with an arched eyebrow and tapping the corner of his mouth with a finger.

"Did you just say stupendous?" Lily asked in amusement, coming out of her shame-filled hiding to address Remus, "That's not a very Black thing to say."

Remus shrugged, "Sounds funny."

"Okay, _that's_ a Black thing to say."

"I AM NOT A HEADDICK." Sirius cried, raising a fist into the air, "MY HAIR IS TOO STUPENDEROUSUS TO BE A HEADDICK."

"Ah, there we go." Remus sighed dramatically as he scribbled an answer on the test sheet, somehow adorning the simple action with an unnecessary flourish, "Ruined it, Paddykins."

"ARE YOU DENYING THAT MY HAIR IS STUPENDEROUSUSUSUSUS?" Sirius paused and amended, "Sexy. Are you denying that my hair is sexy? Sexy is far easier to say, don't you think, Moonpie?"

"Oh, much." Remus agreed, "I just thought I'd use stupendous to make myself laugh. Didn't work, though."

"It is a funny word." Sirius agreed, "But not as funny as…as…what was it again?" The intoxicated animagus pursed his lips and thought hard for a second before smugly announcing, "Bumfuzzle."

"Bum—" Remus spluttered, "_Bumfuzzle_? I agree, oh wonderful dictionary that is Sirius Sexy-Haired Black! Bumfuzzle is, in fact, a hilarious word that would indeed induce orgasms in the fair ladies. And men." He added as an afterthought. "I'm thinking we need to try it on a girl, Sirius."

Sirius clapped his hands together in delight and gave Remus a sloppy kiss on the cheek that made the girls in the class giggle, James pretend to gag and Lily give a knowing smirk. If Remus had been in control of his reactions, he would have blushed, might have even stammered a bit and made himself look like an idiot – but since he wasn't, he gave Sirius a sickening sweet smile instead and ran a fingernail lightly down his bare chest, stopped at his navel.

"Save _that_ for the bedroom, Paddy." He smirked with a wink for effect as all the girls swooned and then asked each other since when did they swoon over Remus Lupin and since when was there anything in the bedroom between the usually introverted boy and the typically extroverted boy anyway?

"Oh, but my Moonshine!" Sirius wailed woefully, "I have always wanted to have sex on a classroom table and you _know_ that! _Would you shatter that dream Remus_? WOULD YOU SHATTER MY DREAMS?"

"_There is a pain – so utter – it swallows substance up – then covers the Abyss with Trance so Memory can step around – across – upon it_." James moaned, clutching at his afro with glowing fingers. Lily rubbed his back pityingly.

"I think the mental image is breaking him." She told Remus.

"His broken brain is no concern of mine!" Remus cried in outrage, "If we want to have sex on this table then _we will_, I tell you! WE WILL!"

"EAR, EAR!"

"It's 'hear, hear', you bumfuzzle." Remus said drily. He and Sirius looked at each other for a second, their faces completely straight, before bursting into raucous laughter. Sirius became hysterical and toppled off his chair, landing on Merryweather's feet. The professor had given up and taken a seat on a desk in the opposite aisle to the row currently disrupting her class, her arms folded as she watched the chaos unfold with a certain amount of fascination.

She had been warned of course – Minerva had held a staff meeting the night of Gryffindor's victory for the Quidditch Cup to warn all of the teachers that there was a certain quartet of students (no one had predicted devout Head Girl Lily Evans' to join the troublemakers, what with her clean record…apart from that one time with that bitchy Slytherin girl and the Giant Squid…she had it coming really), who would cause trouble for the next week or so. It was the traditional response to a Marauder success – pranks all around, mixed in with a few drunk dares. Classic prankster reaction.

"Hello, hello, Katy my ear!" Sirius giggled, holding his arms up to their teacher, who looked down at him with something akin to helplessness on her face.

"I think you mean 'dear', bumfuzzle." Remus spoke up, "What's your obsession with ears, mate? You got some kind of fetish going on?"

"Maybe." Sirius pouted defensively. Then he froze on his back on the floor and stared at Merryweather, "Remus! She didn't have an orgasm at our hilarisulse word!"

"Hilarious." Lily corrected flatly.

"Maybe she doesn't know _how_ to have an orgasm." Remus said, his face a mask of seriousness. Sirius gasped, mouth gaping as he pointed at Remus as though he had figured out the meaning of life. "I mean," the smirking werewolf continued, turning slightly in his seat to give their now thoroughly stunned professor an inappropriate waggle of his eyebrows, "no woman knows what an orgasm is until they've spent a night with _moi_."

The class was silent, even Sirius and James, for a long moment, before every student sans Lily erupted into howls of laughter at the completely uncharacteristic comment by Gryffindor's resident introvert bookworm. Merryweather got to her feet – yanking them out from under Sirius'now-limp body – and stood in front of Remus, nostrils flaring and jaw tense in a rare bout of fury as she jabbed a finger in her student's direction.

"I would never expect this sort of behaviour from my best student." She snapped at Remus, who – even in his own private, real-Remus thoughts – tried and failed to feel remorseful. He was, admittedly, sort of, kind of, weirdly, _enjoying_ the attention he was getting. Being naturally inward and calm, he never garnered the attention Sirius and James did, a nature ingrained in him by his monthly affliction. It couldn't hurt to enjoy himself for the week and then pass it off as a spell. Which it was, of course, but it wouldn't hurt to play up the details to protect his Prefect status and reputation. Maybe throw in how James forced him…? Perhaps…okay, no, handcuffs were over the top a little bit too kinky…

"Detention!" Merryweather was screeching, "This lunchtime and tonight!"

"You don't want Sirius?" Remus asked in shock, a hand over his heart, "The great Padfoot of The Insane and Most Bigoted House of Black has fallen! What will the fair women do with their night-time hours now, I ask you? _What will they do_?"

"Mr Lupin!" Merryweather gasped, looking a little lost now that her favourite student wasn't backing down when threatened with detention, "I was hoping that…fine. Detention tonight."

"I'm afraid I have a date with Minerva tonight, my dear," Remus said with a sad sigh. He perked up, holding an enlightened finger in the air, "But why don't we keep that lunch date? It's right after class, so I can't run. Not that I would, of course, run from your company." He added with a quick wink.

"Yes, yes," Merryweather muttered, distracted and disgruntled, "Lunch, fine."

"How could a woman prefer Remmy's company over mine?" Sirius asked from his position on the floor, his voice full of woe and distress, "HOW CAN ANYONE PASS UP SIRIUS BLACK?"

"Please stop shouting, Black." Merryweather sighed, wiping a hand over her face tiredly, "Just…just go to sleep, Black. Minerva's responsibility. _Hers_." She added under her breath, "I need to get this class back on track."

Sirius instantly started to snore right where he was on the floor and Remus and James glanced at each other before shrugging and nodding to the teacher, who exhaled heavily in relief and restarted her Defence class. As she skipped the test and went straight to going through the theoretical execution of the cruciatus, Lily leaned around James, who was busy constructing a paper catapult to pelt Sirius with magically made balls of ink to poke Remus.

"You haven't forgotten about _your_ dare, have you?" the girl-stroke-boy asked him pointedly in a whisper. Merryweather ignored her, unwilling to allow anymore distractions. Remus lifted an eyebrow – a trait both he and Sirius shared, so one he felt comfortable executing – and waved an imperious hand.

"Getting female underwear is easy." He scoffed, "Just gotta lay on the newly bought Black charm."

James went to speak, but Lily slapped a hand over his mouth with a pained expression. Evidently, the poetry had begun to grate. "You have until the end of lunch." She said instead, giving James a glare, who pouted back at her, sticking out his bottom lip. It was supposed to be cute, but it just made him look like a radioactive chimpanzee having a bad hair day.

"I have an ingenious master plan that is clever and sexy enough to take over the world with my male dominance and hotness." Remus grinned, widening his eyes and wiggling his fingers around mysteriously. Lily looked dubious and James looked like he wanted to ask what it was but didn't know how to in poetry form, but Remus ignored them both and proceeded to pretend to listen to the lesson whilst helping James in his ink attack on Sirius.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

The rest of the Defence class passed with little of interest to tell, other than Slughorn coming into the classroom to give the resident drunk a sobering potion and almost getting accosted by the dangerous, sleep-molesting Sirius (the boys in the dormitory had long since learnt to stay away from him at night, unless they wanted hands in scarring places. Of course, Remus had to exert extreme self-control to overcome his want for the scarring, lest he mentally scar the other boys himself). He had awoken at the end to find his whole body covered in splatters of black ink and had thrown a toddler-worthy fit before stopping halfway through and deciding that he actually rather liked the way the splotches matched his hair and brought out his eyes.

Afro-James, male-Lily and naked-Sirius left Remus to his detention to head to lunch, where they discussed the most efficient and pain free method to pin Remus down to accept his forfeit, James' prohibiting dare lifted at the end of the lesson. Oh, and how to get Snape, too, seeing as he was a vital part of the punishment/torture/forfeit/friendly fun/really just torture. Because, of course, the boy had failed his dare. He would never be able to procure an item of women's underwear when he was stuck in detention with Professor Madam Missus Lady Katy Merryweather.

Their (Sirius') dreams of tying Remus down, however, were put to an abrupt halt when the werewolf in question strutted through the Great Hall and sprawled across the bench. The others stared at him, at his mussed hair, his red face and the way his chest rose and fell quickly as though he had hopped to lunch on one leg whilst dragging a platoon of overweight trolls on a bed of overweight bricks. His appearance wasn't why they stared, though. No, it was the certain something that was draped over his shoulder. The frilly, pink something.

"I don't believe it." James breathed, a look akin to blind admiration dawning on his face. Sirius just stared at Remus as the Prefect caught his breath, and traced a finger around one of the ink splotches next to his right nipple, catching himself before he giggled – it tickled, but he wasn't about to ruin his narrowed-eyes, thin-lipped suspicious glare he was aiming at his friend by _giggling_.

"That's a bra." Lily stated, dumbfounded.

"Congratulations, your eyes work." Remus said sarcastically, sitting up and pointedly ignoring Sirius' gaze. Lily ignored him and asked, "How? _How_?" over and over again until Remus shushed her, flailing his hands around.

"I can't tell the details," he shuddered, plucking the offending undergarment from his person and dropping it in the pea soup. A disgruntled first year set the serving ladle back in the soup bowl, staring at the bra as his little chubby first year cheeks flushed pink, deciding that he would just have a nice ham and cheese sandwich. Yes, ham and cheese sounded grand. "It was horrible. Girly bits everywhere…ugh. Someone show me their dick. I need some male reassurance after…after _that_."

Sirius nearly offered to help, but caught himself, glancing at his friends to see if they had noticed the slip in his glare that had turned into more of a sulky pout mixed with awkward desire (awkward, as it would have been beyond so to get all hot and bothered under the collar – had he been wearing one – when all he was wearing was a thin G-string). Lily had, and smirked across at him, waggling her eyebrows in a way that normally would have made him proud had he not been busy glancing at the others and trying to mentally tell her to shove her wiggly eyebrows up her arse.

"Think I'll pass, mate." James said dryly, "Might make our friendship a bit awkward when you lose control over the enormous beauty of my—"

Lily snorted, cutting him off. James sent her a dirty look and turned back to Remus, who was wiping his tongue on a slice of bread.

"Where…who did you get it from?"

"Who else?" Remus asked with an exaggerated eye roll, "Who was I with up until the last five bloody minutes of lunch? Let me give you a hint, psychedelic afro, it wasn't that hot Ravenclaw beater. I can tell you _he_ wouldn't be wearing a pink bra."

Sirius' eyes, if physically possible (if not, forget it), narrowed even further as he pictured Remus with the Ravenclaw beater, his fingers slipping from their absentminded task of tracing his ink splotches and scraping a nail over his nipple. He yelped in a decidedly manly (unmanly) manner and played it cool when the others looked at him questioningly, frowning at the jug of water in front of him like _it_ had made the offending noise.

"MERRYWEATHER?"

"Prongs, say that a little louder, I don't think my aunt's dead House Elf heard you down in hell." Remus said with another eye roll, "Yeah. Laid on the Black charm – thanks for that, Pads, very useful – and she was putty in my hands….literally. What in Merlin's left bollock's name is the bloody fascination with breasts?"

"What's wrong with them?" James demanded as Lily looked sadly down at her flat chest and Sirius tipped an imaginary hat to the thanks from Remus.

"Oh, I much prefer a good chiselled, muscular chest." Remus said, his voice dropping as he leaned towards James, no one noticing how Sirius was starting to turn a vivid purple. Remus ran his tongue across his bottom lip and shifted his gaze over to Lily, who blushed. "A lot like your girlfriend's, actually. Wouldn't mind another feel of _that_."

"You—" James paused as Sirius started to choke on his own saliva and toppled backwards off the bench, "_Another_?"

But before James could launch _another_ attack for molesting (or talking about molesting) his girlfriend/boyfriend _again_, Lily cleared her throat, a smirk playing around the corners of her mouth as she pointed to where Sirius was sitting…well, had sat, anyway. Remus and James looked over to their friend who they realised had been abnormally silent during their conversation, only to see two bare feet covered in ink sticking up from beneath the table.

"Poor old Padfoot does seem to end up on his arse a lot." James sighed.

**A/N2: **This _is_ shorter than the other two chapters, which were something like twenty-one and seventeen pages long or something like that, and this is only eleven or whatever ¬_¬ but it felt like I hadn't updated this story in _aaagggeeesss_, so I thought I would be a good girl and do something about that. Also, this was only going to be three chappies, but I like it and people think my odd sense of humour is actually _funny_ O.o so I'll make it longer. I fully expect rainbow flavoured cookies for this. ^-^ Oh! And some reviews would be nice, too :D

_Sonnet 130_ by William Shakespeare, _A Song Of Success_ by Robert William Service, _Their Sex Life_ by A. R. Ammons, _A Woman Waits for Me_. by Walt Whitman, _Cloony The Clown_ by Shel Silverstein, _There is a pain - so utter -_ by Emily Dickinson


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it. Wish I do, but I don't. Oi, don't you rub it in, or I'll…I'll…I'll take away your books! Yeah, that's right, survive without _them_…please don't take away my books…

**A/N:** I have been thanked for existing, and **Dial M for Marauder** got weird looks for laughing at it in public, so I am definitely writing more of this. Also, it's bloody brilliant (turned into Ron for a moment there…) that people are reading this, knowing it's a little bizarre, but still think it's worth sticking with :D I am honoured that I am, indeed, ninja, and hope to continue to be so ^-^ Also, THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SLASH. You have been warned.

Part Four: Obliviate is best served cold with an extra helping of common sense and a side of dangerous arch nemesis in possession of revealing information (wow, these titles are getting longer… O.o)

"Detention, my good man, is good for the soul!" James cried importantly from his position standing on the sofa by the fireplace, a green finger stuck in the air to make his point, "This, Moony, will be your inauguration into manly manhood!"

"Aye, it is!" Sirius exclaimed, joining James and earning a chorus of sighs from the girls and a few of the boys, taking the time to admire the nearly-naked body of their House's local sex god, "We shall join Minnie McGoogly in the depths of hell! Battle the most evilest of demons!"

Remus turned his back, having no reply even with Sirius' boisterous personality inside his mind, looking to Lily and rolling his eyes. She chuckled and watched as the werewolf spun on his heel and fell into armchair opposite Sirius and James who were both occupied with crouching on the back of their sofa, telling epic tales of their various detentions. Meanwhile, a blonde fifth year had perched on the arm of Remus' chair and smiled down at him shyly. He stared at her expectantly until she gestured over to a group of giggling girls across the common room.

"My friends," she said hesitantly, "know I…um…like you and…"

"Sorry, love," Remus smirked, reaching out a hand behind him and plucking someone from the crowd, yanking them onto his lap unceremoniously, "I'm taken."

The girl blinked, seeming to be in shock. Sirius could be heard saying, "and then we _grabbed _it by the tentacle and forced the spinach back inside before Slughorn turned back round…" before trailing off and quietening with the rest of the room as they all looked around to see Remus Lupin with a red haired boy sat in his lap, looking more than a little surprised at being referred to as Remus' other half.

"You're, err…" the girl said weakly. Remus' smirk morphed into an easy, lopsided smile.

"Gay?" he asked innocently, not seeing Sirius frozen on the sofa opposite, staring at him in shock; no one who was close to Remus would have thought he would ever come out of the closet, yet here he was, announcing it to the whole House. James and Sirius shared a look, both briefly wondering if it was because of the spell put on the other boy. But no, the dare was that he speak his _own_ thoughts in Sirius' words. Definitely Remus speaking.

"Obviously," Remus was continuing, "James is letting me borrow Lils here whilst she's stuck with a cock." He grabbed Lily's arse suddenly, making her jump and squeak, turning bright red, "Absolutely no interest in those lumps of squishy fresh sticking out on your chest, whatsoever."

"REMUS J. LUPIN." James roared, leaping from the sofa and making a move towards Remus, but the werewolf was too fast, tipping Lily onto the floor without so much as a warning and jumping behind Sirius, who was now standing beside the bookshelf near the staircases to the dorms. Sirius snapped out of his surprise and pushed James absent-mindedly back onto Remus' abandoned armchair.

"We've got detention." He told his friends distractedly, "Come on, or we'll be late."

James and Remus gave Sirius questioning looks, but followed – along with Lily – when he exited through the portrait hole and started off toward McGonagall's office. Lily caught up with the brooding boy as James and Remus bickered over ownership of her/his arse.

"That was…surprising." She said quietly. Sirius shrugged.

"Never thought he'd do that." He admitted.

"Well, he has. He's come out to his schoolmates. Now there's nothing standing in your way. Oh, wait, yes there is. You need to _tell him_." Lily urged, "It's only fair. And anyway, I want to win that bet."

"There's no way, Red." Sirius laughed in amusement, "No, I'm not telling him. Not yet, anyway. Not until we're all ourselves again and Remus can speak normally as himself."

Lily narrowed her eyes, "I _will_ win this."

"Unlikely." Sirius smirked, "I will win because I am sexy and my sexiness always wins by default. Anyway, you should be worrying about your dare, not my love life."

"I haven't had a dare for today." She frowned suspiciously. Sirius lifted a finger and raised his eyebrows as they approached McGonagall's office.

"Oh, really?" Sirius asked in mock concern. He stopped suddenly, causing James to walk into him and almost fall over. The three looked at Sirius as he grinned back, waiting expectantly and well aware that they were now late for their detention.

"I dare Evans to get a date with a girl." He announced smugly, "By midnight tonight."

"_What?_" Lily snapped in outrage, "This is punishment for the bet isn't it?"

"What bet?" James asked, looking between Sirius and Lily with a slight frown. Remus stepped up and put his hands up to silence them all.

"It has been done!" he said imperiously, "Sorry, Evans, but if you don't do the dare, it's the forfeit for you. Get ready for a bucket load o' grease, darling."

"That isn't fair." Lily growled, advancing on Sirius. He grinned at her, looking more than a little insane, so she switched tactics and advanced on Remus instead, "You! If I'm out of this game, then I'm at least going to win this bet! Tell him! Tell him that you want to shag him, that you're—"

"ARGH!" James squawked, "WHAT?"

"Yes, of course, Lils," Remus snorted with a roll of the eyes, "I want to shag Sirius. I want to undress him on my bed and give him a blowjob. I want to flip him onto his front and stick my—"

"NO, NO, NO I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THIS! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN RUINED, I HATE YOU ALL AND I WILL NEVER HAVE YOUR BABIES! OBLIIIVVVIIIAAATTEEE!"

Remus and Sirius both stared at James as his chest heaved. He calmed after a moment – always one for momentary lapses of judgement and moments of over dramatics – and frowned at the pair of them.

"Right, now that I have enough scarring imagery to ensure I don't sleep tonight, shall we head to detention? Minnie's gonna kill us for being this late. And no more of your jokes, Lil. They mentally disturb me, okay?...Okay…? Lily?"

He turned to see why Lily wasn't responding, to see Remus and Sirius staring, jaws dropped, at a very female Lily Evans standing before them, looking disorientated and vaguely irritated as though she suspected something already.

"What…?" James asked, sounding as though he already knew and was dreading the confirmation.

"You cast an obliviate, Prongs." Sirius said. His voice drew Lily's eyes to him and he closed his mouth promptly.

"Oh, Merlin." James breathed, taking a step back from Lily.

"You obliviated your girlfriend." Remus summed up with a snicker. Lily's eyes widened in shock at the words, staring at her boyfriend. She looked as though she was about to say something (or possibly leap at James and tear out his intestines with her bare fingers), but instead looked down at her clothes and at the way they were hanging off her petite frame.

"We were doing dares, weren't we?" she asked with narrowed eyes. Sirius and Remus took a simultaneous step back as James nodded, his eyes wide much like his stag counterpart. Built into the spell that bound them all to their dares until the end of the week, else there be a forfeit given, was a failsafe that ensured the player's safety if they were compromised in any way. Apparently that included being obliviated, fortunately for Lily. Odd that it hadn't worked for Peter, though. Poor Peter Pettigrew.

"Err…" was all James could muster, still staring at her as though he was prepared to bolt any minute. Lily took a step forward, resembling a dragon hunting her prey. When the story was told in the future, James would swear that he saw smoke coming from her nostrils. Sirius would claim to have seen a tail.

"James Harold Potter, is that why I don't remember anything after we won the Cup?" She growled. James squeaked and gulped at the same time which resulted in an odd choking sound that made Remus momentarily concerned for his health – until James turned tail and scampered away and round the corner, followed by a fuming Lily screaming, "Why would you let me do something so stupid? _I bet you got me drunk_!"

"I guess James forgot that obliviate is best served cold with an extra helping of common sense and a side of dangerous arch nemesis in possession of revealing information," Remus commented, giving Sirius a side-ways glance, eyeing him up furtively, "You don't do it to your _girlfriend_."

"It's turned into a game of last man standing." Sirius chuckled, not noticing Remus coming towards him with the same predator-like stalk patented by Lily, but with very different intentions, "I think we should—"

The end of his witty (but not really witty) comment was swallowed by Remus' mouth descending on his as the werewolf leapt at him, stumbling them both against the wall behind Sirius. Surprised, Sirius just stood there, arms hanging limp by his side until Remus pulled away and lifted a challenging eyebrow at him, his fingers (_magical, bliss-inducing fingers_, Sirius added mentally) sliding down from where they had tangled in his hair to settle on his bare hips.

"Sorry," Sirius apologised a little breathlessly, "Been so long, I forgot…"

He trailed off, knowing he sounded stupid since their bet with Lily had only been going on for a few days – one day longer than the dares – and he shouldn't have been able to forget so quickly. It wasn't that he had forgotten (after all, who could forget being with the secret hottie Remus Lupin?) but more that he had forgotten than when they were completely alone, they were free to act as they wanted, so he took Remus' face between his hands and pulled him in for another kiss and made it worth the duff one his boyfriend had received a moment ago.

"Mmm." Remus hummed, moving even closer to grind his hips against Sirius', his fingers holding on firmly to his hips, feeling as though they would bruise. Sirius was delighted by the rare public display of affection – even if it was just a result of the spell he was under mixed with them having to keep their relationship a secret for months previously – Remus being the sort of person to keep their escapades where no one else (who didn't know about them, which made those who _did_ know about them to a total of one: Lily) could see them, so he made the most of it and pushed back onto him, enjoying the abandon of—

"Ahem."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Lupin slowly pulled away from Black with a wet, smacking sound that made Minerva twitch. Lupin smiled in that disturbing Black-fashion he had taken to that day and leant sideways on the wall, folding his arms. Black edged behind him and moved his hands over his crotch, hiding something Minerva would much rather not think about, especially seeing as the only item of clothing he was wearing was a rather revealing thong.

"Evening, Minnie." Lupin smiled charmingly, "What brings you here?"

Minerva twitched again and crooked her finger for them to go into her office. The two boys exchanged worried glances before following and taking their usual seats in front of her desk as she settled behind it. Lupin and Black reclined in identical fashions (one of them still discretely placing his hand over his crotch area), making their transfiguration professor tense and narrow her eyes.

"Potter and Evans?" she asked.

"Evans…came to her senses and decided that she preferred being a woman." Black answered with an easy shrug, his eyes conveying an unusual worry – most likely over what Minerva had happened across in the corridor. Odd, though, for Black to look worried, "She decided that it was James' fault, so they're running around somewhere throwing hexes and screaming."

Unlike their other teachers, who might have panicked about two of the school's brightest and maddest students let loose in the castle armed with wands, desperation (Potter, blatantly) and rage (Evans, most likely), Minerva merely sighed, having nothing to say about the rather predictable matter than, "Well, at least Potter is still being punished and I'll talk with Lily about this tomorrow."

"Good woman." Black nodded, as Lupin flashed his teeth briefly, looking disturbingly wolfish.

"Which leaves you two." Minerva said, her voice lowering as she lifted her wand to close the door. Both boys jumped at the bang and sat, awkwardly waiting in the resounding silence that followed, "If what I saw out there was a result of the spells that have been cast on you, or whatever you have been doing today, then I don't find it funny at all. I don't care about what you do to reap havoc around the school this week, but I refuse to stand by and watch two of whom I believed to be my brightest students play with something so serious as love and affection." She turned her penetrating glare on Lupin, who wore a frown identical to Black's, "And you, Mr Lupin. No matter the charm you have been put under, I would have never expected something so—"

"We weren't pulling a prank, professor." Black interrupted earnestly. Minerva, who usually abhorred being interrupted, stopped to listen anyway – Black had addressed her as _professor_. She wasn't sure whether to do a dance or sing to Merlin in wonder, but quickly decided that both reactions would cause gossip and inappropriate reputations, so she merely nodded for him to go on, her lips pressed in a thin line that she knew would lead the boys to believe she was angry when she was actually trying not to laugh.

"We're..." Lupin hesitated and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, looking at Black who normally would have been the neck rubber. Although Minerva was highly grateful that Black _hadn't_ moved one of his hands, it was still disturbing to see Lupin doing it instead. She needed to get the bottom of this, even if it was to just calm her nerves for however long this would be going on for. With an encouraging gesture from Minerva, Remus continued.

"We're actually…_together_," Lupin choked out. Minerva didn't blame him – telling something like this to your Head of House probably wasn't what they'd had planned tonight. But they had a detention, dammit (yeah, yeah, she cursed, get over it; even teachers get angsty) and they were going to suffer if she had anything to do with it. "You know, snogging and shagging and—"

"MR LUPIN." Minerva cried, stopping the boy in his tracks. He and Black gulped and she suddenly felt sorry for them, deciding instantly to take it a little easier on them…if Lupin didn't reveal anything else about their love lives, that is. What could she say? She _did_ have a soft spot for the troublesome four of her House, no matter what they did, so perhaps this could be one of those rare times when she treated them like the adults they were under all those layers of teenage mischief.

She took a deep breath and sat back in her chair, reaching out to rearrange the position of her ink well on her desk instead of looking at her two very uncomfortable students as she said in a slightly strained voice (being nice to these boys – more so Black than Lupin – was rare and took her a lot of energy), "I'm sure we can discuss this without disclosing, ah…private information. So why don't you both explain and we can talk about it like adults?"

"Yeah, good idea Mrs M." Black nodded. He took in a deep breath that made Minerva nervous about what she was about to hear, "So, um, obviously we're…we're_ together_. Remus and I, I mean."

"Very well," Minerva nodded, feeling her migraine coming back from that morning, "Why did you decide to, ahem, display your affections outside my office."

"Caught up in the moment." Lupin explained apologetically, "We haven't told anyone, see? Well, apart from Evans, but then she's a nosy bitch who—" he stopped himself and then continued as though Minerva wasn't glaring daggers at him, "She found out on her own."

"We're not sure how Prongs and Wormy would take it." Black nodded, looking so miserable that, for once, Minerva didn't try to question him about those bizarre nicknames. She let her stern expression die and relaxed, feeling that now – if ever – was the time to start addressing them like adults. Never mind that Lupin had turned into a sleazier version of his friend and Black was wearing nothing but…well, she had refrained, so far, from looking far down enough to see exactly what it was that was covering his…nether regions.

"I'm sure that your friends would be understanding, Mr Black," she assured him with a small smile. Black blinked at her show of kindness, which she had to admit was a rarity – come on, someone had to be the bad cop at Hogwarts. If it wasn't going to be Albus, it had to be her, "They don't seem like the sort of people who would blindly discriminate."

She added this with a pointed look at Lupin who nodded, seeming to consider something. For a moment, she thought he was going to say something more like his usual sensible self, but was severely disappointed.

"Still, I don't think Jamie would be all too happy to find out that we've tangoed on his bed."

Minerva chose to ignore that, lest she lose control and scream, or worse – _laugh_. Black sniggered at what must have been a funny memory and shakes his head. Minerva sorely hoped he didn't choose to disclose any details.

"Also, we kind of have this bet going on with Evans. Have since she walked in on me with my mouth—"

"I don't know why, but you seem to keep forgetting who you're talking to." Minerva interrupted quickly. Black chuckled and shrugged, murmuring something in Lupin's ear. Normally, Minerva would snap at the childish means of communication an order him to repeat what he had said, but judging by the slow smile that spread across Lupin's face as he gave Black a sideways eyebrow waggle (something the teachers had named The Black Brow Shake) she instantly decided that she didn't need to hear.

It wasn't that she didn't _want_ to know…no! Mad Minerva! Dear Merlin, she would _not_ morph into those awful giggling girls she heard gushing about the mysterious (and rather obvious, now that she knew – really, now, did platonic male friends sit on each other as frequently as Lupin and Black did? Potter was quite dense for not have spotted it when he spent every waking hour with the boys) relationship between the two sitting in her office.

Well, no woman was immune to the charms of an all boy couple…but she _was_ their teacher; her job was to help them, not gush and beg for details about their first kiss. Minerva shuddered and cleared her throat to recapture their attention.

"You were saying about a bet with Miss Evans?" she prompted, waving a hand.

"Oh yeah," Black giggled – _giggled_ – and continued, "Evans found out and she tried to get us to tell James and Peter, but we weren't ready yet, so she made a bet that James would find out before we were ready."

"There's a lot at stake, prof." Lupin said seriously, "A whole wad of—"

"You said you weren't ready to tell him," Minerva interrupted loudly (the less she know about this bet that her _Head Girl_ had made the better, since she didn't fancy her chances at attempting to stop it from happening), "How long have you been…together?"

"Eleven months, three days and…" Black checked the clock on her office wall, "twenty seven minutes."

Minerva, unable to help herself, glanced at the clock and lifted her eyebrows at the pair of them as they smiled across at each other, obviously remembering some soppy memories, "You got together at exactly eighteen minutes past seven on the sixteenth of June?" she asked sceptically.

"You have to get us an anniversary present, now." Lupin said smugly.

"I've always wanted one of those hats." Black grinned nodding to the brimless, tartan-patterned hat currently sitting atop Minerva's head. She took it off, feeling a little self-conscious of it and set it down on the desk.

"My new one came this morning," she told them, "but I'm not sure it's—"

"Nonsense, Minnie!" Lupin gushed, flapping his hands a bit that made Minerva feel like an idiot for not realising that he was gay, "You'd look sexalicious in _anything_, darling."

_Sexalicious_? She thought dubiously, one corner of her mouth trying to twitch upwards, but instead said, "I'm sure, Mr Lupin, but I'm not convinced it's appropriate for school."

"Get it out." Black urged bouncing a little in his seat. Minerva hesitated, wondering if she was seriously about to take fashion advice from a couple of her students, but then decided that it would be fine (right? _Right?_). She had, after all, discussed far stranger things with them in the past, including speculations about the length of Albus' body hair in comparison to his hair and beard (a conversation after which she could never look Albus in the eye for at least a year), so surely she could show them a hat.

"Oooo," Black cooed as she pulled the new green hat from under her desk and put it on, "Going for the wide brim now, are we? I must say, I wasn't sure about the new wide brim fashion that seems to be taking over, but it looks like it was made for you."

"Gorgeous." Lupin nodded with a wink, "I especially like the feather. Very chic."

Minerva was _not_ blushing at a wink from a student.

"Have the pair of you always been...of _that_ persuasion?" she asked carefully.

"What? Gay?" Black asked in amusement, "Well, Rem here has been openly gay to _us_ for a while now and came out to the rest of Gryffindor about twenty minutes ago. I'm Moony-sexual." He added with a flutter of his lashes at his partner, who rolled his eyes with embellishment, an action Minerva hadn't previously realised could be embellished.

"He means he's bi." Lupin corrected, "What is it you say, Pads? Twice the sexuality, twice the sex, right?"

"Lovely." Minerva sighed. So she had actually blushed at a wink from a _gay_ student. What was her life coming to? Spending so much time at the school with people like this was addling her brain. She really needed to get laid…

"Well, once it was obvious that neither gender could resist me, I thought, why not?" Black smirked, flipping his hair over his shoulder, "Even stoic old Moony couldn't keep his hands off."

"Is there _anything_ you want to shag more than your-bloody-arsing-self?" Lupin asked, slumping in his chair in a mock tantrum and crossing his arms tightly. Minerva sighed and made herself comfortable. There was never any point in trying to interrupt when they got like this.

"I like _loads_ of things more than myself!" Black gasped incredulously, "I like you! I like my hair. I like Minnie – of course – and old Dumbles, he's cool. I like my leopard print covered soldier. I like that cuddly wolf you got me for Christmas. You know I can't sleep without it. And I_ luuurrrvvve_ your arse, of course my dear."

"Of course." Lupin nodded sombrely, getting to his feet, "Have you seen it? It's magnificent."

"We shall all bow down before it." Black swore, also standing.

"Statues will be made!" Lupin cried, slamming his fist onto the desk.

"Songs will be sung!" Black yelled, lifting his arms in the air.

It was when the pair of them started to yodel – yes, yodel – about the magnificence of Lupin's hindquarters, when Minerva decided that she had probably had enough of discussing her new hat with the two boys, especially since Black had stood up – she had seen enough leopard print to last her a lifetime.

"_Right_." She said firmly, silencing the deafening yodels. They froze, stuck in their position of Lupin about to leap from her desk into Black's arms, "I think we have had more than enough of each other's company, so why don't you go back to the common room?"

"No one can have enough of _us_." Lupin stated stubbornly.

"What about detention?" Black asked suspiciously.

"I've decide against it." Minerva sighed, waving her hand to get them to leave, not wanting to admit that they had actually brightened up her evening, "Now go. And be careful where you display your affections for one another – you don't want Potter and Pettigrew finding out, do you?"

Black grinned and swept her hand up in his and planted a soft kiss on it as Lupin hopped to the floor and gave a low bow. Minerva hoped to Merlin that she wasn't blushing, otherwise she might have to sign up to that fan club she'd seen the posters for…

"Just go before I change my mind." She warned. They grinned and raced to open the door. Minerva called out before they left and she gave them a small smile when they turned back around, "And thanks for the advice about the hat."

"Anytime, Minnie." Lupin said with a salute, moments before they left. Minerva propped her chin on her hand and reached into a drawer on her desk with the other.

"Thank Merlin, I've been craving this all day." She sighed happily, producing a large bar of Honeyduke's Finest chocolate and peeling the wrapper off. There was one school rule implemented by Albus three years ago that everyone – _everyone_ – always adhered to: never eat chocolate in front of Remus J Lupin if you want to keep your fingers.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"I can't believe you two got away scot free." James grumbled, clutching at his potato with a frown. Remus and Sirius glanced at each, then back at James (who currently had half the forest and a custard-covered spoon stuck in his afro) and then back at each other collapsing against each other in hysterics, clutching at their sides.

James sulked, lobbing the potato at a first year and telling him to get his friends to stop throwing their cutlery, kindly given by an irate Lily who had gotten her memories back about the dares, at him. Remus snorted and calmed down moderately, while Sirius tumbled from the arm of the chair Remus was lounging in.

"It's not our fault Red hexed you." Sirius snorted from the floor, his head feet dangerously close to the common room fire, "Five points for a spoon in the hair, ten points for a goblet and fifty for Dumble's new hat."

"She would never have done it if she wasn't so bloody clever." James sighed miserably, "Sigh. Why do my standards have to be so high?"

"Mine are higher." Remus grinned, winking at Sirius at his feet, who had his hand up the leg of his boyfriend's trousers from his position on the floor and preceded to massage him there. Sirius 'aww-ed' and pretended to blush. James, of course, noticed nothing of this exchange, too preoccupied with himself to realise that his friends were flirting. Quit heavily.

"I think I'm gonna go to bed." Sirius said with a pointed look up at Remus who winked back. He climbed to his feet and glanced at James who was standing, too, "Err, I think Evans is waiting for you in the library, Prongs. Heard she wants to apologise."

Remus glared at Sirius – Lily Evans? Apologise? Waaayyy too farfetched to be believable. Now they were never going to get the dorm to themselves.

"Good. This is getting humiliating." James muttered, turning to exit through the portrait hole. Well, apparently James was more stupid than he looked… Neither boy complained of Prongs' idiocy as Remus grasped Sirius' hand and pulled him to their dormitory, closing the door with a slam. They weren't sure why keeping 'them' as a secret had been so hard, since no one had even noticed them stealing a quick kiss up on the staircase. Lily would be furious. Actually, best she not know in case she made it harder for them to win the bet.

"This is weird," Sirius mused as Remus pushed him back onto his bed and climbed on top, "Usually it's me initiating this."

Remus pouted and rolled off to instead lie beside Sirius, arms and legs flopped lifelessly, tongue hanging from his mouth, "Would you prefer for me to be dead?"

"Ew, no." Sirius grimaced, propping himself up on his elbow, "Dead guys can't get it up, so how am I supposed to have any fun?"

"Why am I not surprised?" Remus wailed, an arm flung dramatically over his eyes, "My boyfriend shags dead people."

"Are you listening to me?" Sirius asked doubtfully as Remus leapt up and bounded over the window. He flung it open and cupped his hands around his mouth to cry to the night: "Sirius Black likes 'em limp!"

"Moony!" Sirius mock, gasped, pulling Remus down and closer to him. He gave a wide grin and whipped a piece of parchment from behind his back, "Before we have a discussion about why it is _wrong_ to tell people such scarring things about the great and sexy Sirius Black, look what I just found on your bed."

Remus snatched the parchment away and scanned it quickly before reading it aloud, "'Dares for tomorrow. James Potter is dared to perform a strip tease during a meal until stopped by Dumbledore and _only_ Dumbledore'."

"Ouch." Sirius cringed, "Poor Prongs."

"'Remus Lupin is to eat and drink everything as though it arouses him all day.' Oh, fabulous. 'And Sirius Black is to dance every movement he makes, including everything from walking to pointing at something, also all day'."

"Easy." Sirius scoffed.

"It's from Evans." Remus chuckled, looking at the signature at the bottom, "Do these dares actually count? She's not in the game anymore."

"Is someone chickening out?" Sirius teased, taking the parchment and throwing it on James' bed.

"Never." Remus grinned, fisting Sirius hair in his hands and pulling him closer, "We'll say the dares ourselves later. Right now I need to ravish you like one of those dead guys you like."

"I'd rather you be very much alive," Sirius smirked, walking them over to his bed, "I find a response to my godlike love-making is preferable."

"I can do that."

**A/N2: **Yes, I realise that this chapter hasn't exactly been all that funny, but stay tuned – the Remus and Sirius relationship reveal is out of the way now, so I can get on with the dares again ^-^ R&R with any ideas if you want; I do have an entire week to fill up with dares, after all and Day One has taken up four looong chapters. Plus, I'd love to use some of your ideas! 3


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **The ideas are mine. That is all.

**A/N:** Would you believe that I _nearly_ forgot about this story? I went onto Fanfic and saw it and I was like "Holy shit! How could I forget about Thongs?!" so yeah, I've started to write again. You lot had better be grateful. Right, so, no one else has come up with any ideas they'd like to see – I'm chalking this up to my writing already being awesomely awesome (I'm not vain…yeah), so that's cool. GIVE ME IDEAS. Ahem. ^-^ One last thing: most of this was written in the dark hours of night, so don't blame me if this makes any less sense than usual :L Bon apetit!

Part Five: Ever Wondered What a Fluorescent Green Penis Looks Like? Well Duh, 'Course you have! Stay Tuned Folks, to Watch the Most Horrifically Fascinating Show Your Eyes Will Ever Behold!

"…"

"You think he's dead?"

"He's still standing up."

"So?"

"Touché."

"I HAVE TO STRIP?" James howled, dropping to his knees in the middle of the dormitory.

"Well, whoop dee doo." Frank grumbled from his bed, "Can't you discuss this silently?"

The three boys standing in the centre of the beds – one with a Jackson Five worthy afro and an odd, green glow, one dressed in nothing but a leopard print thong and the other appearing normal apart from the way he had his tie knotted around his head – glanced at each other and shrugged.

James clutched at his hair anxiously and then started to do a seductive – or what was meant to be seductive – dance as he mimed taking his clothes off: _I have to strip?!_

Remus laughed silently and swept his arms wide before pointing as his crotch and holding his fingers close together: _Everyone's gonna see that you're unnaturally tiny_.

James glared and curled the fingers of one had into a loose fist and move it up and down in the universal gesture: _Wanker_.

Sirius pointed at himself with a grin, before doing a little jig and then moving his hands in a circular gesture: _I have to dance everywhere._

The other two gave him eye rolls, knowing how easy the dare would be for the ever-energetic boy. Remus mimed putting food in his mouth and then rolled his eyes up in pretend ecstasy as he ran his hands over his chest: _I have to eat like I've got a severe food fetish_.

Sirius and James snorted with laughter, making Frank snap at them irately. They hurried out of the dorm, narrowly escaping magically aimed shoes and books from their other dorm mates—

—To run directly into an irate Lily Evans and then fall backwards on top of each other when she didn't even sway under the force of three grown boys colliding into her at high speed. Remus, James and Sirius lifted their heads slowly to see a blazing red silhouette against the backdrop of the early-morning fire some ridiculously eager first year or an overly romantic couple shagging in front of the hearth late at night must have started.

"Lily, darling—"

"Shut it, Potter." Lily snapped over James' imploring plea and making the three boys flinch at the name she hadn't used for almost a year. She glared down at them, obviously about to make some dull speech about responsibility and why-the-fuck-did-you-let-me-make-such-an-arse-outa -myself-James-Harold-Potter? The three scrambled to their feet, looking around desperately for either an escape route or a distraction.

"Can anybodyyy, find meeeee, somebody toooo…" James sang, startling Lily into silence (seeing as she was standing in front of their only exit, the portrait hole). Sirius and Remus caught on quickly and stepped up to join in, "Lo_ooov_vveee."

"Oooohhh," James continued, holding out his arms, "Each morning I get up I die a little, Can barely stand on my feet!"

"_Take a look at yourself_," Sirius and Remus put in as the (extremely good looking) backing vocalists.

"Take a looooook in the mirror and cry,"

"_And cry_!"

"Lord, what you're doing to me,"

"_Yeah, yeah_!"

"I have spent all my years believing in you, But I just can't get no reliieef, Lord!" James cried, prancing forward in a way that would make any ballerina bury herself alive, to grasp Lily's stunned shoulders and shake her rather violently. "Somebody,"

"_Somebody_!" Sirius and Remus chimed in, snapping their fingers to make a beat.

"Oooh, somebody,"

"_Somebody!"_

"Can anybody find meeee, somebody to love?" James wailed, sounding fairly decent with his tune-carrying as he danced away from Lily to sing imploringly to the gathering crowd in the common room, "Yeah. I work hard,"

"_He works hard_,"

"Every day of my life, I work till I ache in my booones. At the end,"

"_At the end of the daayyy_,"

"I take home my hard earned pay aaaaalll on my own! I get down," James sang, pulling an unfortunate second year boy into an energetic waltz that would fool anyone into believing that he hadn't just woken up ten minutes ago.

"_Down!_"

"On my knees,"

"_Knees!"_ Remus and Sirius sniggered and winked at each other, much to the momentary amusement of Lily, who immediately afterwards went back to staring at James.

"And I start to pray, Till the tears run down my eeyyes, Lord somebody,"

"_Somebody,"_

"Oooh, somebooody!"

_"Please!_"

"Can aaanybooody find meeee, somebody to looooooooooooovvvvee?" James sang at the top of his lungs, holding the note like Mercury himself could. Suddenly, he spun in a quick circle on his heel and when he stopped, he was wearing the white, skin-tight leotard that Freddie wore in the video, his green chest on display as he flicked his afro around with sassy diva attitude.

"_He works hard,_" Sirius and Remus sang, not seeming fazed in the slightest by James' physically impossible costume change (since he wasn't even touching his wand).

"Everyday,"

"_Everyday!"_

"I try and I try and I try, But everybody wants to put me down, They say I'm going crazy," James sobbed, falling to his knees and clutching at his rather large hair, "They say I got a lot a water in my brain," he tipped his head to the side, letting water trickle from his ear to oos and ahhs from the audience, "Ah, got no common sense, I got nobody to believe in, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" he turned to Lily again, who hadn't moved since looking at Sirius and Remus, who were currently involved in some sort of complex dance routine involving a lot of legs and spinning.

"Oh Lord, Ooh somebody, ooh somebody, Can anybody find meee somebody to loooove?" James warbled as his backing singers/dancers came to flank him and joined in singing, "_Can anybody find me somebody to love_?"

"Got no, I got no rhythm, I just keep losing my beat,"

"_You just keep losing and losing!_"

"I'm okay, I'm alright," James pretended to cry, getting to his feet shakily and dusting himself off, to heartfelt sniffs and awws from the crowds.

"_He's alright, he's alright._" Sirius and Remus sang softly.

"I ain't gonna face defeat," James sang in a stronger voice, lifting a glowing fist in determination, his head thrown back, afro bobbing around.

"_Yeah, yeah_."

"I just gotta get out of this prison cell! One day ("_someday_!") I'm gonna be free, Loooooord!" James cut the note off abruptly and bowed his head, Sirius and Remus doing the same either side of him. They began to chant.

"Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love, _love,_ _love_, Find me somebody to love, Find me somebody to love somebody, _somebody_, _somebody,_ _somebody_, Somebody find me, Somebody find me somebody to love, Can anybody find meeeeeeee somebody tooooooooo looooove?"

They slowly lifted their heads as they grew louder, James stepped forward to sing to Lily, holding his hands out to her as he serenaded her. Lily, meanwhile, had both hands clutched over her heart, her face a picture of love.

_"Find me somebody to love_."

"Ooh,"

"_Find me somebody to love."_

"Find me somebody, somebody,"

"_Find me somebody to love."_

"Somebody, somebody to love,"

"_Find me somebody to love_."

"Find me, find me, find me, find me, find me, Ooh, somebody to love."

"_Find me somebody to love_."

"Ooh!"

"_Find me somebody to love."_

"Find me, find me, find me somebody to love."

"_Find me somebody to love_."

James closed the gap between him and Lily and took her hands, gazing into her eyes as he finished softly, Sirius and Remus humming in the background, "Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love, love, looove. Ooooooo, somebody find me, find me loooove."

Silence fell in the common room, but only lasted for a second. The audience, which seemed to be made up of the whole of Gryffindor house, erupted into deafening applause and cheers. Even McGonagall, who had come up to see why none of her House was down at breakfast, was jumping up and down, waving her bra in the air.

Lily immediately leapt on James to snog him senseless to several catcalls and wolf whistles and snake laughs and porcupine yawns and giraffe yodels and…well, I'm sure you get the point. So anyway, Lily and James disappeared upstairs to the now empty dorm, leaving everyone else to discuss the unexpected performance which, really, should have been completely expected given who was involved. In the pandemonium of McGonagall realising what she was doing and discretely tucking her brazier up her sleeve whilst shepherding students out to go to breakfast before lessons started, Sirius slapped Remus' arse with a wide grin, receiving an exaggerated wink for his troubles.

"Why don't we go down and break our fasts, Messr Padfoot?" Remus asked loudly, officially calling the chaos to a close. Those occupying the common room heard the newest rowdy voice of the Marauders and instantly shut up, turning to leave now that they were assure that they weren't going to miss anything else if they left. Sirius was about to feel angsty about missing Remus' usual blush and protest to the slapping of his arse, but was interrupted before he could when said werewolf leant forward to say something to McGonagall, who was still looking particularly flustered as her students filed out, and came back with – yep, you got it – her bloody bra.

"EEEEE!" Sirius squealed (and yes, it was manly. Very manly), jumping back from the offending object in Remus' hands, "How do you keep getting those things off our teachers?"

"No clue." Remus shuddered, dropping it with a grimace and wiping his hand on his robes. He planted his hands on his hips – looking _very_ gay and making Sirius giggle girlishly – and grinned widely, "Righteo!"

"Don't _ever_ say that again." Sirius said seriously (_don't_), "Makes you sound like Dumbles saying yes to a shag with Flitwick."

"Reckon we should say those dares." Remus continued as though Sirius hadn't spoken, "Or do you think you can't dance all day?"

Sirius gasped and staggered backwards as though he had been physically struck, "How dare you, you fiend, Lupin! Just for that, I dare you, Remus Jerkinhead Lupin, to eat all of today's foods and drink all of today's beverages as though you receive sexual pleasure from doing so!"

Remus snorted as Sirius stood straight again, smiling sheepishly, "Merlin, you sound like me." he paused, "Wait, is that what I sound like? I sound like a bloody douchebag!"

"Aww," Sirius cooed, enveloping Remus in a suffocating bear hug, "But I wuv my wittle douchebag!"

"And for _that_!" Remus cried, disentangling himself and leaping away with a flourish of hands and flipping of hair, "I dare you, Sirius Obsolagnium Black, to dance every movement thou dost maketh till the sun doth set!"

"I'm sure one of those words was made up." Sirius observed conversationally, doing jazz hands instead of planting them on his hips, "My middle name isn't Osolagnuiniom."

"Obsolagnium, you twat." Remus snorted, "Means a waning sexual desire due to age."

"Now who's the twat?" Sirius scowled. He paused to do a pretty twirl, before continuing, "For the record, I don't know what jerkinhead means, it just sounds funny."

"It's truncated gable with a lipped roof." Remus shrugged; the spell over him hadn't erased his vast knowledge of everything random and unhelpful, "Dunno what a gable is, though." Okay, maybe it had erased _some_ random and unhelpful knowledge. At that moment, James and Lily reappeared, James dressed in his school robes again and looking quite pleased with himself, Lily looking a little befuddled.

"Seems I have the power of song." James bragged, puffing his chest out and jabbing his green thumb at himself, "I seduced the fair Lily with my gift and we've just had the best shag yet."oHoj|HHHo

Lily blinked and shook her head with a frown, "I…I don't know what happened to me. I don't even remember what I was angry about…it was so _beautiful_…ahem."

The three boys stared at the Head Girl, musing on the possibilities if they only had to serenade her to get what she wanted. Well, two of them were. Remus' mind seemed to be somewhere else entirely.

"She was hotter as a guy." He said decidedly, sending Lily a lavish wink. Lily swore and leapt at Remus, who skipped away with a delighted cackle. The redhead chased after him, the memory of his teasing seduction in the seventh year boys' bathroom still fresh in her mind, both disappearing through the portrait hole. Sirius looked at James, who looked back challengingly, knowing exactly what was coming.

"Dare you to strip at dinner." Sirius smirked.

"Fine." James grinned wickedly, starting towards the portrait hole after his girlfriend and werewolf who were probably in the middle of a refereed boxing match somewhere on the fourth floor about now. Sirius watched suspiciously as he went and with good reason too, as James sang loudly as he left, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone, It's not unusual to have fun with anyone…"

"Curse you, James Honorificabilitudinity Potter." Sirius muttered as he followed his large-haired friend from the common room whilst doing the Carlton Dance.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Sirius soon joined his other 'friends' down at breakfast, having been held up by dancing down every step, around every corner and having to take a breath to pause and pant a little at the unusual amount of exercise he was getting in before the first meal of the day. He leapt onto the bench in a way that would make any ballerina green (but not James green) with envy beside Remus, wiping the beads of sweat from his forehead.

"I didn't know that so many kids here have cameras." He muttered, reaching for the sausages with a flail of his arms that only Sirius could call dancing.

"Merlin, I hope there aren't gonna be any snaps of you in _that_," James grimaced, pausing in the process of counting his winnings from the match on the fourth floor to gesture at Sirius' thong (Lily had come out on top, but Remus had made her faint by squeezing her arse and announcing that this was her favourite position to the whole school. So really, it had been a draw – if you're James Potter and had placed a bet on a tie in the first place so insisted that it had, in fact, been a draw), "Don't need to see that more than I need to."

"Shove off, Discotheque," Sirius sniffed, "You can't deny that I look sexalicious."

"Sexalicious." Lily repeated dimly as she sipped her orange juice, looking more than a little scarred.

"I agree." Remus nodded, flicking through the Daily Prophet as he spooned porridge (with a hippogriff's weight in sugar added) in his mouth, closing his eyes and moaning with each spoonful swallowed. He devoured another mouthful and flung his head back to cry out before turning his eyes on a disturbed James to add, "Who doesn't enjoy a leopard print thong?"

"Err, me?" James answered, his voice an octave higher than usual, making Remus snicker.

"Even if Red was to wear one?" Sirius asked with a cocked brow, doing the robot with his arms as he poured himself a glass of milk. Lily shot him a red hot glare and gave James the same when he glanced at her hopefully.

"N-no!" he stuttered indignantly, while his face told a different story altogether.

"Be careful, Black," Lily hissed, glancing pointedly between him, Remus and James, "Be very careful."

"Time for class!" Sirius shouted suddenly, jumping up and performing a flawless pirouette. Remus agreed readily as James grumbled and Lily smirked, and finished his porridge with an almost orgasmic shout. James jumped, blinking at his friend. Lily looked at Sirius sideways, pleased to see him fidgeting (tap-dance-fidgeting) and holding his bag inconspicuously over his thong area (heh heh).

"Looks like the ponce has gone loony loopy Lupin over Black." a Slytherin called as he passed them on his way out with a few others as Remus set his bowl down.

"Saw your dad's picture in the dating section," Remus called back, waving the Daily Prophet at him, "Reminded me of the time when he begged me to stick my co-"

"MR LUPIN."

"Shit." Remus said matter-of-factly as McGonagall's scandalised tones cut through the laughs in the Great Hall and Sirius waltzed off with James, Lily in reluctant tow.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"Fuck me." Sirius groaned as he sat heavily at lunch after a half-hearted jig through the Great Hall. With a weird wavy movement of his arm, he pulled a plate of sandwiches towards him and munched down on one grumpily, slumping down on the table as he chewed.

"Not here, honey, the children." Remus said dryly, staring forlornly at the spread before him. Sirius flashed a half-hearted grin with his mouthful. Remus patted him on the shoulder sympathetically.

"What's up with the brothers grim?" Lily asked as she and James joined them.

"_Everything_ hurts!" Sirius whined, "This bloody dare will be the death of me! You'd better sleep with your eyes open, Evans. And your sprogs! And your _great_sprogs!"

"I'm terrified." Lily said dryly.

"You're not attacking our prongslets, Padfoot." James said calmly. Well, as calmly as one could when first years kept trying to sneak up with tree branches in his hair, which had proved to be stronger than it looked. He turned around to jab at a girl with his butter knife before turning back to his friends. "You've only got a couple more lessons, then you watch me take my clothes off in front of the whole school at dinner. That'll cheer you up, huh?"

Sirius cracked a smirk at James' sarcastic tone, "I'm looking forward to it, Jamie."

"To seeing James naked?" Lily asked smugly, glancing at Remus and Sirius above the rim of her goblet of pumpkin juice. Much to her delight, Sirius pretended to swoon and blush, which led Remus to narrow his eyes at the other boy with a sharp scowl.

"Hey, don't worry, Moons, you get to watch to." James laughed, mistaking Remus' reaction. Remus instantly reached for a sandwich from Sirius' plate, knocking the sulking boy's head from the table. Sirius straightened up to blink at Remus as he started to take nibbles of the sandwich, emitting small gasp and moans. James looked at him in amusement at first, but then with a certain amount of worry for his friend's mental health as he started getting a little too into it, cupping his neck with one hand and then running it down his chest, over his stomach and then under the table, where he let their imaginations run wild.

"Um…Moony?" Sirius asked hesitantly, as students started to look over. Remus ignored him, getting louder. "REMUS!"

"_WHAT?_" Remus demanded, putting his half eaten sandwich down to glare at Sirius.

"You're flaunting yourself to the whole school!" Sirius cried dramatically, "Sitting there and moaning like a, like a—"

"It's my dare and you know it." Remus hissed under his breath, "And like a _what_, exactly?"

Sirius gulped, sensing that he definitely wasn't getting any that night and the question of him getting any _ever_ depended on what he said next.

"Ngaha."

Good grief, he could already feel his virginity growing back.

"Right." Remus snapped, standing up with a flick of his hair, "Right then, I'm going to see if Davis wants to share some chocolate with me. I'm sure the Ravenclaw Quidditch practice has finished by now."

And so he flounced off the Great Hall, to the mutters and grumbles of Sirius as he did the least effortless possible Macarena down the length of the hall after him. James and the rest of the school and staff were left staring after the two Marauders. Lily and McGonagall, however, frowned at the mess the interfering bi- uh, _girl_, had made.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Dinner arrived after no appearances had been made by the two canines in any of their last lessons of the day. James was busy sweating at the dare he was going to have to carry out in a few minutes. Lily was…off somewhere with McGonagall. It had been a disturbing scene to witness, James' professor and girlfriend gushing about some gooey couple together, so he had slowly backed away without saying anything.

Just when he was about to simply shuck his clothes and get on with it, Remus and Sirius entered and stalked down the hall to sit opposite where James was sitting, holding up a platter behind his head against the missiles being continuously aimed at his hair. Well, Remus stalked, Sirius sort of swayed and gyrated towards him in a manner that might have been sensual, if he hadn't been half asleep and sort of stumbling as he went.

"You ready?" Remus growled, throwing himself down, "'Cause I need a good show here."

"You're not the one who had to watch you shagging – oh, _sorry_, I meant eating – chocolate with Davis." Sirius snapped, performing an odd shimmy down onto the bench.

"Oh, don't be such a bloody girl, Sirius." Remus muttered.

"Chill, you guys." James laughed nervously, raising his hands, "Sirius, Rem can see whoever he wants, so stop nagging him. What's got into you two today? Merlin, you've been bickering like a married couple."

Remus' jaw dropped open at his friend's stupidity, going to say something. Sirius cut him off with a hand slapped over his mouth (with an accompaniment of jazz hand that caught Remus on the nose), earning himself a bite on the palm for his troubles.

"I think I'm going to do my dare now…" James said in the awkward silence that followed. His friends shrugged non-committedly as he got to his feet and climbed onto the table. The moment eyes started to turn on him, all of his nervousness disappeared. He was James Potter, for Merlin's sake, he didn't get _nervous_, he _thrived_ in attention.

"If I could have quiet!" he called, quickly silencing the Great Hall. The students all looked up at him, expectant of dinner entertainment as the teachers looked on warily, wondering if interfering would make things worse. Dumbledore clapped his hands together in excitement.

"Thank you, thank you," James bowed slightly with a grin, "Now, I have a little…ahem, show for you all. Ibby, if you would?"

A house elf behind the head table nodded and switched on the giant grammar phone, from which the opening notes from Nelly's _Hot in Herre_ started playing. The girls whooped at the song and James gave the hall a wink.

"Now, my fellow students, have you ever wondered what a fluorescent green penis looks like?" James shouted above the music, started to move his hips. The girls – and a flattering amount of boys – yelled back 'yes!'

"'Course you have!" Remus cheered, snapping out of his mood to help James out.

"Stay tuned, folks, to watch the most horrifically fascinating show your eyes will ever behold!" Sirius hollered, doing a disturbing thrusting thing before calmly taking his seat again. The hall erupted in cheers as James shrugged his robes off in time to the music, even the Slytherins getting to their feet and clapping him along. The shirt followed, his glowing torso blinding those sitting directing in front of him. The trousers were tossed somewhere to a group of squealing Hufflepuff girls.

"Should these go, too?" James leered, snapping the elastic on his boxers, really getting into the role. The students screamed yes, whilst the teachers sat and stared in petrified horror. Dumbledore waved a hand as permission to go ahead, much to the chagrin of McGonagall, who had entered the Great Hall alongside Lily at the exact moment as James started to strip himself of his last piece of clothing.

"PLEASE, MERLIN NO!" the transfiguration professor cried, covering her eyes with one hand and aiming her wand blindly with the other. There was a thump as James fell face first on the floor, unmoving and pants still firmly covering his green arse.

"What a shame." Dumbledore murmured, half to himself.

Sirius turned to the readers and tilted his head, "How unexpected."

"Sirius, don't break the fourth wall." Remus glowered.

"My cock." James groaned from the floor.

**A/N2:** Eugh. Okay, so that was a completely unfunny chapter and I apologise for that. I wanted to get an update up, since I hadn't in so long, so I promise the next one will be better. Guyysss, I need IDEAS! Gimme a review and add an idea for a new dare in and who you want to do it. Pinkie promise I'll include it ^-^


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